It's In The Cards

House of Cards

2011-02-09T11:07:00.002-08:00

I don't even really know where to begin. You might say, "Begin at the beginning." One small problem: I'm not sure where the beginning is.

Is the beginning when I broke up with Mr. Kim? Or is it when I moved here to Reno? Is the beginning when my mom died? Or is the beginning when I finally got work after being laid off for a year? Or could it be that the beginning is here. Now. My dad's hospitalization and his deteriorating health.

I'm not sure any more. They're all beginnings in a way, and yet they're all endings, too. Like the Death card in Tarot, these things are definitely endings, but they're also beginnings. The death of one thing brings forth new life. New journeys. New hardships.

I am on the brink...of something. Despair? Anguish? Depression? All of the above?

All I know is that I've felt anxious for days. And also depressed. I've felt angry and sad and unloved and unwanted. I've felt worthless and ugly and fat and alone. So, I guess it's no surprise that seeing a wedding picture of Kim and Mr. Kim set me over the edge.

And so I did. I saw two wedding pictures and whatever bits of glue had been holding me together over the last month just broke apart. I'm not quite sure why, as I'm fairly certain I am over him and have been for a while. I don't love him any more.

Wait. Do I?

I'm pretty sure I don't. And yet...

Here I am, feeling devastated after seeing a picture of them. The funny thing is, in both pictures she looked deliriously happy. He looked... well, not deliriously happy. Then again, because of Asperger's, he is never really deliriously happy.

I sometimes still wonder what clinched the deal. I remember one of the last times we spoke, and he spoke of her. I hadn't even brought her up. But he did. They had had a fight, and in telling me about his frustration he almost yelled the words, "I am not going to marry that girl!" Those words caught me by surprise.

He explained that she was pressuring him into marriage, and he wasn't going to marry her. Yet, he said he could not come up with a good reason to not get engaged to her. And to keep her happy, he would follow through on that.

He said he wasn't excited sexually by her, no matter how hard she tried to seduce him. But...she took care of him. And did it well. And without complaint.

Ouch.

I can attempt to comfort myself by stating it's a dysfunctional relationship. And I can do that from now until kingdom come, but guess what? I saw her picture. She's gorgeous. And then I think why isn't he sexually attracted to her? Perhaps he is now. I don't know - and honestly, I don't want to know.

I know their relationship is a bit dysfunctional, but it's the type of dysfunction that works. She's dependent on making him happy. She likes knowing that she makes his life easier. She likes being his mommy. And I can make in fun of that all I want, but guess what? I'm still the loser.

I'm the one that he was with for eleven years. I'm the one that never got to walk down the aisle. And even though his sexual desire for me continued to be strong well into his relationship with her, she's still prettier than me. And younger than me. And she's the one wearing his ring.

Yet - this isn't what this is about. This is just what pushed me to the edge and left me feeling like I'm dangling on by a thread.

The truth is, the last few months have sucked. I almost feel like it's 2009 all over again. My dad is sick. My job sucks. I can't get ahead. I'm feeling my age. I don't have anyone in my life who loves me.

I've been feeling like I am barely even living. I'm scared of the future. I honestly don't even think I have one.

I'm actually at the point where I am tired of living. I don't see the point of it any more. I have no major significance to anyone. Or anything.

I've felt people pulling away from me - people who are important to me. I'm sure it's because I smell like death. Or even though I try to mask it, people can still see me for what I am: a big, fat failure. And really, who wants to hang with failure?

When this all hit me like a ton of bricks today, I left my cubical, went to my car, and sat there in the quiet. As the sun streamed through the car windows, I found it difficult to breathe and to concentrate.

I held my head as thoughts raced through my head. Unhealthy thoughts. Healthy thoughts. Moments of blankness.

One thought kept coming through loudly: Move. Get out of Reno. Go live with your dad.

But... a thousand buts. I love Reno. I have a support system here - and I honestly haven't had one since I left the Army. I have friends and social groups. I have a house that I love - absolutely love. The economy sucks in California. I have no friends there. No support system. No spiritual outlets.

Buts.

And then there are the questions. How will I sell my home (say it with me now) "in this economy"? How will I find a job? How do I get rid of my stuff? How do I date when I'm back at home? Or do I?

Questions.

Lots of questions.

The worst part of it is, I have no answers. But perhaps the real tragedy is that I think I'm running out of hope.

House of Cards

2011-02-09T11:07:00.001-08:00

House of Cards

2011-02-09T11:07:00.000-08:00

Daily Pull: The Chariot

2011-01-10T10:09:00.000-08:00

I'm beginning my daily pulls again. I hope to do it every day, but let's see how long I last!

Today I used the Barbara Walker Tarot, because it just happened to be in my purse. I pulled The Chariot.

In many decks, this would be a card of action - of forward movement. However, in the Barbara Walker Tarot, the card shows a Chariot drawn by two horses: one black, one white. Both are headed in different directions.

This card shows me that I'll face some opposition today. I sense some of that opposition is from me - this is the week I'm supposed to get back on track health-wise (Atkins, exercise) and I also want to incorporate more spirituality into my daily life (back to daily pulls, morning grounding, etc.).

My desire to sleep in often counteracts my desire for improvement.

Tonight is also Black Hat Society's first meeting of the year. I don't know if I'll face opposition there - however it is a planning meeting. There are two new people who said they'll be coming - this could indicate forward movement for the group as well.

So, here's to forward movement - wherever it may lead.

Sunny and Hot

2010-06-26T17:04:00.000-07:00

I subscribe to an e-zine by Tarot Dame. She always forwards a tarot spread - usually short and sweet. This weeks' spread was based around Litha - the longest day.

Tonight I celebrate Litha and the full moon with my covenmates. But today, I am focusing on me - where I am, what I am doing, what's going on, and what I want to do about it. Because, let's face it, while the year started out great, it's been really sucky for the last month or so.

The suckiness factor amped up this last week, and it was almost more than I could bear. So when I saw Tarot Dame's spread, titled "Sunny and Hot," I was intrigued because it's theme was focusing on the good.

It's a simple two-card spread. The first card answers the question "What's sunny about my life?" The second card answers the question "What's hot about me?"

I have the perfect deck for this spread: The Sun and Moon Tarot by Vanessa Decort. I grabbed them, sat down, shuffled the cards, and uttered the questions over and over again until the time felt right. I put the cards down, cut them (as is my personal habit), and asked the first question: What is sunny about my life?

The card I pulled: The Nine of Swords with the key word being Cruelty. Oh. That doesn't bode well. Maybe the simple truth is there is nothing about my life that's sunny right now. That happens.

I looked at the card. It shows bad stuff coming from all directions, and aimed at the head. Yes, this "cruelty" of the last few weeks has been mostly mental and verbal. It's messed with my emotions. But the physical? It's okay. And maybe that's the sunny part: the woman in the card is sitting on a cloud, her head down in her lap. She is cushioned right now, even though crap keeps coming at her.

Am I cushioned? I sometimes don't feel like I am. But, if I open my eyes up wide and look around, I do see people who are there for me: cushions, if you will. My friends Claire and James put me up two weeks ago when I was in trouble. My dad knows my life is crap right now, and splurged on a pair of Sketcher Shape-ups for me- believing that if I get out and walk, the physical might help me deal with the mental. I do have people who care about me - and maybe I just need to focus on that cushion of support I have, instead of the swords that keep coming my way.

I asked the next question: What is sunny about my life. I pulled the Seven of Wands. Again, not a great card, but the key word is Valor. The card shows a woman with a wand in her hands. She is poised to fight. She is also alone. The sky is dark. She is brave.

I sometimes get sick of hearing how brave I am. People tell me this when I am at my most low: PJammy, you just keep plugging on through. You are brave - you'll get through this. And I do - I always do. For more clarity, I read the LWB and one sentence that struck me was about staying true to oneself in the face of adversity.

I do this. Over and over again.

I was hoping for the cards to give me hope or show me that something good is just around the corner. They did not. Instead they pointed out the obvious: my life sucks right now and I am fighting to keep sane and grounded.

But... I am fighting. I am still here. And I'll get through this.

I always do. And maybe that's what's sunny about my life and hot about me: perseverance. It's not sexy, but it works.

Rebirth

2009-03-09T16:20:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been using the oracle deck Wisdom of Avalon by Colette Baron-Reid for my daily readings. I know, I know - heinous in light of the fact that I've been telling my tarot students to use their RWS-clone decks for readings. Still, when I started going through this major change in my life, this was the deck that called out to me, so it is the deck that I am using.

Today I decided to do a five-card spread regarding my budding relationship with G. I already know he does not want us to get serious - still I am enjoying the ride, and wondered what the cards had to say. Here it is:

Card 1: Birth-Rebirth - I've been pulling this card a lot lately. It serves to remind me that I am on a new path - one that doesn't include Todd any longer. The part that really spoke out to me today was this:

"This marker reminds you that the process leading up to a birth can feel cumbersome, restrictive, painful, and never-ending, yet the final shift brings an extraordinary gift of new life, a new vision born of surrender, and a total release. Know that you've come far and are at a place to celebrate your ideas and all things anew."

I know I definitely feel that. The death of my relationship with Todd has been painful - especially after I discovered how many lies he has told me during the last few months. So many lies, I haven't even been able to confront him about them. And yet, confronting him now will only hamper this new journey. So, I've been working on setting aside all of that, and embracing this new opportunity to feel wanted and valued.

Card 2: The Grail Knight; keywords Romance, Illusion, Seeking the Sacred. This is the first time I've drawn this card from this deck. Almost immediately I knew it's meaning, based on the role it played in the spread. The card represents the present - and also represents G.

The card's message in this place in the spread means both romance and illusion: in a new romance, there is illusion. The illusion of perfection. The card warns against the illusion, and yet adds that this card is an omen of good fortune. In other words, as long as I don't fool myself that this relationship is something it's not, it is a blessing to me.

Card 3: Joy - Again, this is a card that I've pulled several times recently - and almost always when I pull the Birth/Rebirth card. It reminds me that there is joy in moving on - in releasing the old. And as this card was placed in the Future position in the spread, it shows me that as long as I keep moving forward, Joy is mine.

The part of the book meaning that I love and hold on to is this: "Like the spring sun breaking through after a long and gloomy winter, joy reminds us to be grateful for all the gifts of life. Joy bestows the blessings of happiness. You truly have reason to smile when this marker appears on your path."

The last two cards in the spread were to point out anything I needed to be aware of - anything that might get in my way, or anything else that could help. Interestingly enough, I had a warning and a message:

Card 4 - The Wasp; keywords Anger, Retaliation, Jealousy. Yikes. I knew immediately what this card was telling me: that holding on to any jealousy or anger regarding Todd could potentially hamper my joy.

"The Wasp reminds you that pain is a choice..." I have to admit, days without G. or others in my support circle do tend to find me choosing pain rather than joy. I believe I need to be more aware of this tendency, so I can nip it in the bud before it stings me.

Card 5 - The Raven; keywords Magic, Coincidence, Synchronistic Events. I've actually pulled the Raven before, but only once before. I pulled it shortly after my REAL break up with Todd. When I pulled it then, it reminded me that I have magic on my side. And, I don't believe it meant just spells - no, I have my magical group of friends who have helped me through this patiently and lovingly. There has also been the magic of non-magical friends - you know, the call I wasn't expecting that came at just the right time. Or the offer for a free lunch or dinner to get me out of the house. Magic has been all around me since the break up, and I have been humbled by its constant appearance at the most difficult of times.

However, in this spread it serves to remind me more of the synchronicity of life. Even though I've been on dating sites for some time now, it wasn't until I fully let go of Todd that I met someone with whom I "clicked" with. And, it also wasn't until I made the decision to sever my ties with Todd that other things in my life started to fall into place.

I know that, no matter how painful, breaking up with Todd was the right thing to do for me. My path has suddenly opened up, and doors are unlocking before my very eyes. I welcome the Raven, for he affirms I am on the right path.

Just Like Magic

2009-02-10T17:01:00.000-08:00

On the second and fourth Tuesday of the month, I "teach" a tarot class. I use the quotes, because I really organize the class more than teach it...still, it's fun and I love the group of women who show up faithfully each week.

Tonight, I'll be teaching a bit on tarot magic. I started the lesson two weeks ago, and tonight will be a follow up. However, in writing up tonight's outline I found that it felt uninspired... I just grabbed information from other sources and it felt sort of flat.

While I was deciding what to assign for homework, I came up with what I would like to think of as a brilliant idea. Instead of having the women just set up a spell at home using instructions outlined in a book, I am going to have them craft their own spell, then instruct us how to do it at the next class.

I'm so excited! I almost can't wait until the next class to see what everyone comes up with.

Joseph Ernest Martin

2008-08-17T19:10:00.001-07:00

Joseph Ernest Martin is the designer of The Quest Tarot. If you've not seen the deck, it's beautifully illustrated and images can be found at tarotgarden.com. And for those familiar with the deck, you'll know it can be quite comprehensive as it also ties in numerology and crystals in with regular tarot images for an in depth reading.

Every so often, Joseph Ernest Martin comes through town to be part of the Reno Psychic Fair. This weekend, there was a mini-fair, and I was surprised to see him listed as one of maybe 7 readers available. I told a friend about him, and we decided to go see him.

Right now, there isn't anything extremely pressing in my life that I felt I needed to know about. I thought about what I would want to know, and decided to ask for a general reading; to check in with where I'm at on my path, what's next, etc.

When we got to the fair, my friend knew right away that Joseph Ernest Martin was the one she wanted a reading from. To be fair, we walked around just in case another reader jumped out at us...but none did. Nope...it was JEM for us.

We signed up, she first, me second. The first reading available was forty-five minutes away, so we looked around and talked. She pointed out a scam reader that was there: Renee. I have never received good vibes from her when I 've walked past, so never sat down with her. However, I had another friend taken in by her, and let Gloria know she wasn't the first, but thank goodness she didn't allow herself to be scammed (Renee seems to have some real skill, but then she always ruins it by saying crap like "you have a curse on you; for $65 dollars more I can remove it!").

It was finally time for our readings. My friend went first, and I walked away to give her some privacy. The few times I glanced over, she seemed happy. Then it was my turn.

When asked, I told JEM I just wanted to know how I was doing...what was next on my path. My reading, while not bad, was not really good, either. The basics: I need to reign it in where money is concerned. This is something I knew already, as I am making less now than I was at my previous place of employment. However, I didn't tell him this, but the cards definitely showed it.

He stressed that it was very important for me not to be extravagant in the next few months. He said I needed to make wise choices and try really hard not to buy things I don't need. He also stated that my money situation would not change next year (something else I knew and didn't tell him), but that things would be somewhat better next year.

He said now was a time to have "me" time. He said the recent past showed that I had been busy reaching a goal (and I was; I put every ounce of energy I had into finding another job). Now that the goal has been met, the rest of 2008 should be focused on rest and recuperation. He instructed me to take classes, read books, spend time with myself. He cautioned that it was not the time to pursue new things or to pile on any more activity. It was simply time to enjoy myself and to rest up from the activity that preceeded reaching my goal.

He then stated that 2009 would be a time of more activity. He said that I should be sure to get back into working out in 2009. He said it wouldn't hurt to do it now, but that I really needed to focus on that come the new year. He stated that my job seemed secure for now, however I needed to be sure the people at work were confident in my abilities. He gave me some tips on how to accomplish that.

I had more time left, so he asked if there was anything else I wanted to know about. I told him that I wasn't concerned about romance, but was curious what was on the horizon. He said there was definitely new love on the horizon, however I would have to work for it. He said that I needed to express love and interest...and not just expect that love would just happen (not that I expect it to happen that way, anyway!). He said it was there...but it was only there if I reached for it and took a more active role in meeting people.

Once again, I believe Joseph Ernest Martin hit it out of the ballpark. This is my second reading with him, and I know he was right on. I just wished the reading was more positive...it looks like the coming year will still be difficult for me, just in different ways than the last.

When oh when are things going to turn around for me? I probably should have asked...

Love Spread

2006-09-13T10:31:00.000-07:00

Another girl I know is keenly interested in her love live, or rather, the possibility that she'll have a love life. This reading was a bit more difficult for me, because I know of this girl's struggles with finding love. I prayed before the reading that both the God and the Goddess would help me to give a clear reading, and not put my own feelings into it.

I, of course, chose to do a Love Spread. Here's the layout:

(Card 1)

(Card 2)

(Card 3)

(Card 4) (Card 5) (Card 6)

And here's the reading (using the Whimsical Tarot):

Card 1: Your past experience in love.
Ten of Cups shows a prince carrying a princess over a threshold. I think you have a rather romanticized idea of love, based on what you may have seen in your family. I also get a feeling that you may have had a very good relationship with someone in the past. Whatever the case, it has left you with a rather idealized version of what love is/should be.

Card 2: Your current experience in love.
Seven of Cups. This card shows several forks in a road, and a road sign with arrows pointing in all sorts of different directions. I think that you've been getting a lot of mixed signals lately. It's left you feeling confused and lost.

Card 3: What you want from a love relationship.
Seven of Pentacles: This shows a girl tending to her garden. I get the impression that you'd like someone to tend to, and someone who will tend to you, too. I also get the impression that you want to grow *with* someone.

Card 4: What you need from a love relationship.
Ace of Cups. Interesting card for this position, as Ace signifies the beginning, and Cups is the emotions suit. In some ways, I guess that applies, as I feel you just simply want to begin a relationship in general. The caution here is that you may just choose anyone in your haste. Be careful, exercise good judgment. The Ace of Cups also signifies that the cup runneth over; I think you want a love relationship that fills you up so much that you will bubble over with joy.

Card 5: What you have to give to your lover.
Nine of Rods. This card shows a boy sleeping next to his horn. I think it serves to remind you to take responsibility and keep a watchful eye on your emotions in a relationship so that they don't go away. This card doesn't seem to directly apply to the position (i.e. what you have to give your lover). I think you have a lot to give, and this card reminds you to keep it all in check. Don't overwhelm your lover, so that he falls asleep.

Card 6: Possible future experience in love.
Eight of Swords. Swords is usually a suit of conflict and/or intellect. This card, once again, shows someone sleeping. The man looks as if he had been running, and fell down. He had been hunting; his dog is sniffing his injured leg. My impression is that you're the hunter, and you're looking so hard for love that you end up getting injured in the process. I caution you to take it easy, and let it come to you. Don't hunt it down, because by chasing it so fast, you may be blinded by what's right in front of you (like this guy; he fell over a stump or something, and it knocked him out).

Keep in mind that Card 6 is "possible." You can make changes in your life to prevent this from happening.

Take a step back. Don't chase love; let it come to you. Be yourself and be happy being yourself. Then and only then will you get the type of love you're looking for.

Moving On Spread

2006-09-13T10:03:00.000-07:00

I've been doing readings for people via email for trade. I haven't written them down, and it dawned on me that I'd like to have a record of these readings, so I'm going to post the two I did today here.

First up, a woman who is thinking about changing careers and who also wanted to know if a man she just met might "be the one." Well, I concentrated on the career part for the reading, and then in the end pulled a single card to tell me more about this guy she just met. The spread looked like this:

(Card 1) (Card 2) (Card 3) (Card 4)

(Card 5) (Card 6) (Card 7) (Card 8)

(Card 9) (Card 10)

Since your main question was about your career, I did a "Moving On Spread" for you. Using the Whimsical Tarot, here are your results:

Cards 1 & 2: What you are moving away from.
The Chariot and Eight of Cups. The Chariot shows you are being torn in two different directions, and the Eight of Cups shows Little Miss Muffet fleeing from the spider. I get the impression that the situation you are in now is not a happy one. I think it was at one time, but now you feel torn and just want to flee.

Cards 3 & 4: What you are moving toward.
Four of Cups and Three of Swords. The Four of Cups shows the Emperor With No Clothes, riding through the middle of town on his horse. The townspeople are talking behind his back. The Three of Swords shows two children in the woods, and one of them is crying. My impression is that what you are moving towards is not as easy or as simple as you think it is. It may be a good solution in the long-run, but get rid of any delusions you might have that this path will be easy, because it will not.

Cards 5 & 6: Things to consider before taking action.
Ten of Rods and Nine of Cups. The Ten of Rods shows a maiden all alone, crying near some water. The Nine of Cups shows a genie coming out of a lamp. This shows me that while you will be experiencing some pain in your decision, your wish(es) can also be granted. Again, be aware that this new road will not be easy, but it will more than likely get you to where you want to be.

Cards 7 & 8: Reasons to move on.
Six of Rods and Death. The Six of Rods is Dorothy with Toto in a field. She is alone in this picture (i.e., no Tin Man, Lion, etc.), with a rainbow behind her. I believe this card shows victory for Dorothy. the Death card shows Sleeping Beauty asleep on a bed. Death signifies the end of one journey and the beginning of another. Both of these cards validate that moving on is the right thing to do. The reason, though, isn't as clear, however my impression is that by moving on, you will leave behind the unpleasantness of your current situation and reap rewards in the end.

Cards 9 & 10: Outcome.
The World and Nine of Pentacles. Wow. Two great cards in the outcome position. The World shows that, once you make this change, the world is your oyster. And the Nine of Pentacles shows success (financial security). So, even though the road will not be easy, your outcome will be much desired.

Now, as you can see this spread does not cover your relationship question. So, I decided to pull one card to tell me about this guy you're seeing. I pulled the Magician, who in this card is depicted by Puss 'n Boots. If you don't remember, Puss was very conniving and got what he wanted. He did serve his master, though, which was a good thing in the story. However, be careful; determine who this guy considers his master (God? Someone else?). Be aware; this man is charismatic and charming. He weaves a good tale, and is probably very entertaining. I'm sure he is fun to be around. Just don't jump in wholeheartedly yet. Keep your eyes open to discover what, if any, motive he has. See, it could be good and could be bad. Just keep your eyes open, and I think you'll be fine.

Two New Decks

2006-09-02T15:35:00.000-07:00

I am the proud owner of two new Tarot decks. The first is a deck I've lusted after for about a year. It's the Tarot of the Journey to the Orient deck. Now, I'm not normally attracted to Oriental-style art and objects. However, this deck captured my attention and hasn't let it go. So, when Llewellyn sent me an email to let me know they were selling this deck for $5, I had to get it.

Imagine my distress when I got a notice from Llewellyn saying that their sale was an overwhelming success, and unfortunately for me, they didn't have any decks left. They also let me know that it was now considered out of print, and if I wanted it, I should get it from another vendor before this deck dropped off the face of the earth.

I found an Amazon vendor that was selling it for an excellent price, so I jumped on it right away. It finally came today, about three weeks after ordering it. I have to say, I am very pleased with the deck. It's everything I imagined and more.

The other deck is one I only recently became aware of: Tarot of the Thousand and One Nights. This deck has mixed reviews, yet has been in the back of my mind as a potential "must have" deck for a couple of months now. The so-called bad reviews aren't even really bad: they're mostly buyers who are disappointed in the smallness of the pictures. See, the deck has beautiful, intricate, finely detailed pictures, however Lo Scarabeo shrunk them to fit on their standard-sized cards. So... a lot of the detail is difficult to see.

Another complaint is that there is no accompanying book and the LWB that comes with the deck is quite inferior and doesn't supply full meanings to the cards and pictures.

Despite the complaints, I was interested and so when I received a 30% off coupon from Borders, I decided to use it on this deck (as Amazon sells it for list price).

Let me first say this is a beautiful deck. The colors are rich and layered. The detail is amazing. However, I do agree with the bulk of the reviewers: the size of the cards do not do the pictures justice. I know Lo Scarabeo always publishes their decks in the same size, however they would've done well to have made an exception with this deck.

Considering I'm not making any money right now, I really outta lay off the new deck buying spree. I think these decks just might take away my need to buy more...at least for the time being.

Looking for a Job Spread

2006-08-30T18:54:00.000-07:00

Five Card Spread: Whimsical Tarot Deck

Card 1: What is going on in my job search right now.
Ace of Swords: Ace, the card of beginnings. Swords the suit of conflict. Well, this is a beginning of sorts: looking for a new job. And the conflict? Probably inward. Do I get a part-time job? Full-time? Do I go back to school? Start working on a pet sitting business? All of the above?

I'm obviously confused.

Card 2: What I need to focus on.
Two of Swords: Hansel & Gretel...in the witch's kitchen. No witch to be seen, however there is smoke coming out of the oven. Oh wait. Didn't Hansel & Gretel trick the witch? Actually, it was Gretel. Anyway, what does this card have to do with my focus? Tricking the witch...

In most decks, this card looks totally different. It usually shows a woman crossing herself with two swords. However, in this particular deck, it shows Hansel & Gretel escaping the witch, victorious. I think I need to "trick" my normally pessimistic outlook. I've been doing job magic and submitting resumes and what have you. But maybe my attitude - one of fear and anxiousness - is overriding it all. Perhaps I need to remember to be like Gretel and to trick the witch instead of panicking.

Card 3: Hidden factors.
The Hanged One: I wish I had the Whimsical Tarot book, because I have no idea which fairy tale the picture in this card comes from. It shows a woman hanging from a net on the shore. Instead of fish, the net got her. But I don't need the book to know what the Hanged Card is all about...the basic message is that I can move forward by standing still. So, while I think I need to do something new, something different, I think the message is to just keep keeping on.

Card 4: Advice.
Justice: Ha! Interesting picture for this position. It's Goldilocks, caught in bed by the baby bear. A constable is looking at the bear, who is pointing his little accusatory finger at Goldy.

The cause I set into motion is now coming back to me as effect. In other words, I up and quit without a plan, so now I'm floundering. Advice...time to take another look at what I did, and come up with some sort of plan so that it doesn't happen again.

Card 5: Near future.
Five of Swords: Man, this has been a sword-happy reading. This card shows the Pied Piper, luring children to their demise. No matter how I look at this card, it isn't good. It can represent self-interest, dishonor. I think this card serves as a warning that I should stay honorable during the job search process. Don't lie about what I'm capable of doing. Let my resume speak for itself.

Tomorrow

2006-07-17T17:02:00.000-07:00

Feeling "cardy," I decided to do a three-card pull on myself. Wasn't sure what to ask the cards, so I basically did a pull for tomorrow. This is what I have (we'll see how it pans out tomorrow):

Morning: The Hierophant
Dang. I always hate pulling this card, mostly because I can never really remember what it signifies. After all, "Hierophant" is not a word used in everyday language... because I couldn't remember, I went to The Source and this is what it told me: "The Hierophant is a symbol of the need to conform to rules or fixed situations. His appearance in a reading can show that you are struggling with a force that is not innovative, free-spirited or individual." Very accurate about my work situation, which of course I'll be in tomorrow morning (God willing...).

Afternoon: The Fool
Oh yes, go ahead. Laugh. Make jokes. "PJammy is going to be a fool in the afternoon." Yeah, whatever. Now let's get down to biddyness: The Fool signifies the beginning of something... but he also reminds the querant to keep the faith and trust natural responses. I think I'm going with the second meaning, more because I'm using it in a daily pull, and not in a more complicated reading.

Evening: Three of Pentacles
Hmmm...this is a card of teamwork, and since I'm alone at home this week (hunky is taking classes in Long Beach, lucky duck), I'm not sure why "teamwork" would be my evening card. It could represent planning and preparation, though, too... but I have no idea what I need to "plan" and "prepare" for... oh wait. I think I just got it. Okay, not ready to write it all out here, but yes, I can see how that might apply...

What The Future Holds

2006-07-17T16:38:00.000-07:00

During my one-on-one advanced training with my Risting instructor on Friday, he told me that he believes that I have a lot of potential and he can't wait to see it realized.

He knows that I am insanely interested in Tarot, and believes that there is a future for me in reading the cards for others. I, however, am not as sure as he is, mainly because I simply don't study the cards like I probably should.

He told me that I should charge to read, even for friends. I'm not so sure, though... I think I need much more practice before I can even start dreaming of charging.

But you know what? It sure is a nice dream to have...

Quitting

2006-07-17T16:30:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine made an impulsive move: she quit her job. She wasn't planning on it; she needs the money. But, the job was just one big aggravation after another, and when her co-worker quit and the decision was made not to hire a replacement, but to pile the work on my friend instead, she quit.

Good for her. She's started her own business, and now it's time for her to let loose.

I felt moved to pull some cards for her, though, seeing as she is somewhat unnerved at her own moxie. This is the reading I gave to her (and of course I used Tarot of White Cats for this reading):

Card 1: The World
This card shows you are in a position to realize your heart's desire. I believe this card confirms quitting was the absolute right thing to do. But don't be scared about this next card:

Card 2: Five of Pentacles
This card shows you'll be facing some hard times. I have a feeling those hard times won't last long because the third card is:

Card 3: Two of Chalices (Cups)
This card represents the power of two. In looking at it, I get two very distinct impressions: 1) your husband will be an important part of whatever happens next and 2) make the most of your connections. So, look for the connections in your life, especially those that are one-on-one.

I feel good about the reading; I just hope the second card doesn't scare her too much... even though she actually expects that to happen, she, of course, hopes it doesn't.

Astral Travel

2006-07-11T10:44:00.000-07:00

Last week, I mentioned that I was about to embark on an astral travel exercise in class. I was really looking forward to it.

The night of class, only three of students showed up (me, included). We discovered that one person dropped out, another was working different hours so was taking individual instruction, and another changed jobs and might not be attending much as a result. Kind of odd how, after several months, a few just disappeared so quickly, but I guess it happens...

Anyway, the instructor led us through a guided meditation to take us to the crossroads (I'm still a bit unsure as to what the importance of the crossroads is), and to show us the place where we'll be traveling to more frequently to do magic and whatnot in our astral lives.

He began the meditation by asking us to become air. As he described it, I could feel myself crumbling up into air bound molecules, and felt myself whirling around in the air. He continued to guide us, but I was having so much fun swirling around in the air I couldn't concentrate on him anymore. I felt like I was on an amusement park ride...my body felt as if it was in motion, and I was twirling and moving and swirling around. It was fun...but I totally lost the meditation at that point.

I tried periodically to get back to where he was leading us, and once in awhile I'd see something (like I did see the crossroads and the pole, but I wasn't actually there, as I was still air bound). At some point, I fell asleep, much as I used to when I was a kid in the backseat of the family car.

When our instructor guided us out of our meditation, I woke up and became one with my body again. However, when he went around the room to ask us about specific parts of our experience ("What did the crossroads look like?" "Did you see the forest?" "What kind of pole did you see?"), I had to embarrassingly answer that I wasn't able to follow his meditation because I was playing around in the air.

I really wish I had been able to be more grounded during the meditation. My classmates who were able to stay with it really seemed to get a lot out of it. While I got something too (a feeling of freedom and fun), I don't have anything concrete to work with, and that's somewhat disappointing.

Six of Chalices

2006-07-05T10:16:00.000-07:00

Deck: Tarot of White Cats
One Card Pull
Question: What do I need to be aware of today?
Card: Six of Chalices (Cups)

Hmmm...when I first pulled this card, I thought, "I wonder if I'm going to get a present from Todd?" However, that thought was immediately pushed away and I thought of my Risting instructor instead. What could he be giving me?

Well, tonight is class, and I'm thinking I will probably not get a literal gift, but instead perhaps a gift of insight. I might be closer to right than I think; if I remember correctly, we are going to do an astral projection exercise tonight.

Time will tell...

Justice

2006-06-22T08:00:00.000-07:00

I haven't been doing daily pulls recently. For awhile I was doing them and just not posting them. Somehow not writing about them contributed to me eventually not even pulling them.

Today my deck called out, so I turned off the radio, shuffled the deck, and pulled a card. Justice.

It's been so long since I've pulled Justice I had to refamilarize myself with the card. What I discovered didn't really surprise me much.

Justice can be a cause and effect card (among other things). I believe that throwing that Styrofoam packing piece at Todd the other day has been really preying on my mind. I think this card serves to show that I still have some issues where that is concerned. I took responsibility for it, but perhaps I haven't really made the proper amends.

Not quite sure how to do that, however I'm sure I'll figure it out.

The Scrying Game

2006-06-21T09:36:00.001-07:00

Last night's class consisted of a scrying lesson, complete with crystal balls, mugwort tea and an anointing ritual.

My instructor had three crystal balls, which normally wouldn't have been enough for a class of seven, however four of the students didn't show up. Score! We each got a ball to ourselves.

We sat down, got comfortable, and our instructor told us how to begin. I focused on my question. Nothing.

Okay, so maybe I'm just not tuned in. I closed my eyes, centered myself on the question, and asked again. I gazed into the crystal ball. A shape was beginning to form...then nothing.

I was about to give up when the instructor said, "Raise your hand if you're having trouble." I waited a moment; no one else raised theirs. I put mine up in the air, and he took me aside to talk to me.

After giving me some more instruction, I sat down to try it again. However, before getting too far, my instructor said we could also use scrying as a means to "peek" in on people. I decided to peek in on Todd.

I asked the crystal ball what Todd was doing. It showed me an empty bedroom, and immediately I knew Todd was watching TV. But no, that couldn't be right; when I left, he was in the bedroom reading. I looked again. Nope. The bedroom was empty and I had this strong feeling it was because Todd was downstairs watching TV. However, my rational mind kept fighting with my witchy mind. See, rationally I know that when Todd reads, he gets so absorbed in the story that he loses track of time. Yet, my witchy mind kept telling me that last night was different: Todd lost interest in the book and went downstairs to watch TV.

After the scrying exercise was over, I went home and found Todd sitting on the couch, surrounded by the dogs and Schmutzy, watching TV. He asked me about class, and I told him about the scrying exercise and peeking in on him. I admitted that even though I saw the empty bedroom and knew he was watching TV, I couldn't really accept it. That's when he told me that he was antsy, and kept changing between reading upstairs and watching TV downstairs.

So maybe I'm better at this scrying thing than I thought I was, after all.

Three of Wands

2006-05-17T09:00:00.000-07:00

I recently got a new-to-me tarot deck: The Whimsical Tarot. This was on my wishlist for ages... I finally found it in a lot auction on eBay.

I should probably cleanse the deck, but laziness and procrastination reigns in my life. I've had it with me for weeks. After a questionable pull yesterday from my old standby deck, I decided to turn to the Whimsical Tarot for my today's pull.

My card? Three of Rods (wands).

As I begin to get a bit more familiar with decks of various sorts, I see some of the differences between decks. In this case, the Three of Rods is extremely different than the one I'm used to. In many of my decks, the Three of Wands shows a man looking out into the world from a balcony. It's as if everything lies before him. However, in this deck, it shows a bunch of poor people congretating outside, around a cauldron. Everyone is bringing something to add (Ooooh, Stone Soup!). The LWB says this is a card of creativity, whereas in a traditional deck it's a card of exploring and foresight.

I can't wait to get the bigger book of explanations I bought from half.com to go along with this set. Until then, I can only surmise that it will take some creativity and maybe a little help to get myself out of the mess I got myself into.

Crystal Vision

2006-04-12T08:02:00.000-07:00

Sunday night, I couldn't sleep. Nothing I did worked to relax me, so I thought I'd try visualization.

Now, I'm not particularly adept at visualization. However, I've had success with it enough times to give it the old college try.

I remembered that I had a pyramid-shaped crystal that I bought at the Holistic Expo in San Jose. It is made with four different crystals, all melded together to form a pyramid. I cleansed the crystal, and then went back to bed.

I laid down, and placed the crystal on my third eye. I tried my best to relax and visualize peace. Soon, all sorts of psychedelic patterns were emerging in my head. I'd never experienced anything like that before, and thought perhaps the colors and patterns were supposed to be relaxing, even though at first glance they appeared to be wild and distracting.

At some point, I relaxed, but the patterns were still bubbling about my head. All of a sudden, this inaudible voice came through and sternly said, "Step away from Todd. Lynn is the one who's right for him."

My body jumped. I grabbed the crystal, took it off of my head, and put it on my nightstand. My body shook, and I became very afraid. I never did fall asleep after that... my body just wouldn't cooperate.

My mind raced the rest of the night. Questions poured through it: "Was that voice for real?" "Am I doing the wrong thing by holding on to Todd?" "Is Lynn really the one for him, and I'm standing in the way?"

Then my thoughts flew to the crystal itself. I'd never attempted putting a crystal on my third eye before. I've read about it, but never had occasion to really do it. And while I was drawn to the crystal at the fair, I have to admit that Sunday evening when I held it, it didn't seem to resonate with me in the same way it did at the fair. It didn't appear to have neutral energy, but it didn't appear to have positive energy, either, even though I had cleansed it.

I didn't want to admit this to anyone (or here) before today... but I think the whole experience with the crystal compounded my feelings that the relationship was doomed. That's why I had no hope that we would work things out. However, our talk on Monday did give me hope.

Now it's Wednesday - the day of our counseling appointment (the counselor rescheduled it due to a conflict). I slept fine, but woke up with extreme anxiety. All of a sudden I'm filled with fear again. I can't tell if the voice was from a good source or a bad source - or if it existed at all. Was it my fear talking to me instead?

I don't know... I'm a novice when it comes to magical workings. But I do know this: I am afraid that the voice might have been true, and that scares me more than I even care to admit.

Carrie

2006-04-08T10:07:00.000-07:00

After writing about my psychic fair experience, I remembered how that weekend one thought kept running through my mind: "I should've just gotten a reading from Carrie at Pathways."

Strangely, I had reason to be near Pathways on Tuesday. As I drove by the shopping center on my way to the gym, I felt a gentle, almost imperceptible, nudge... "Go into Pathways."

Against my will (which felt I needed to burn calories more than I needed yet another book or set of tarot cards), I went. When I was inside the store, I saw that the daily reader was Carrie.

Hmmmm....

She was giving a reading when I walked in, so I immediately headed for the tarot card section and began to browse. At some point, one of the sales people came over and asked if she could help me find anything in particular. I said no... and then said "But I notice that Carrie is the reader today. Are there any openings?"

The woman was pretty sure there was, as someone had cancelled. So, she looked over at the book and said "Yes, in fact, she has an opening now."

She called Carrie over, and Carrie immediately recognized me. She even remembered that I am a Scorpio. She ushered me into her little alcove, and asked me if I had a specific question.

I told her that really all I wanted to know was what was going on with me. I told her about the break-in and the relationship break. Then I added that not everything had been bad; that I had gotten a raise at work and more responsibility.

Right away she said that the Spirit was telling her that the break-in was over; that the place was now safer to approach. She gave me some advice (which was very similar to what Random had told me), and then started the reading.

The reading also confirmed much of what she told me about the cottage. That the break-in was awful, but looked like it was all in the past. That some protective measures needed to be taken on my part, but that the Spirit assured me that I didn't have to unload the place in order to feel safe.

As for Todd, he showed up in the reading several times. She said that he is very torn; that he is desperately afraid of losing me, but that he is also unsure about whether or not I'm the right person for him. (I knew that, but it is interesting that the cards confirmed it.)

She said that the cards showed him to be rather selfish when it came to our relationship... Again, that he didn't want to really give me up, but that he didn't want to give up his rights to date others, either. Oh, and that he didn't really want me to get involved with anyone else, either, while he figures this out.

She added that she got a message from the Spirit right then to tell me that I should not be afraid to end things if I felt I needed to. She said that there would always be someone else for me, and the Spirit wanted me to be aware of that. She said that I would have no problem finding someone else if that's what I wanted.

More cards seemed to indicate that I would have to be the one to be firm. In other words, that I would probably have to make the end decision, whatever that turns out to be. Leave him. Stay with him. She stated that the Spirit wanted me to know that I should be aware that I have the strength to make the decision when the time comes.

There were some other things, too, regarding my job (it will get better) and money (somehow I have some coming to me... tax return, maybe? I haven't filed yet.) But, the two main things I was to take away from the reading was that Todd might not ever really get his crap together when it comes to me. He wants me, but he doesn't. He doesn't want anyone else to have me while he makes he decision (that was the "selfish" and "self-centered" part of the reading). The cards also indicated that now is not the time to get rid of the cottage... and I take it that is because I'll need some place to live after Todd dumps me (I say that sarcastically; it sounds like if there is any dumping to be done, it'll be done by me).

It was strange... this was the third reading I've had from Carrie, and it was the first time I was actually nervous when I sat down. My hands trembled a bit when I shuffled the cards... I don't know what I thought she might see in the reading, but I think I was a little scared at what she might see.

After the reading, though, I felt a bit of peace. More so about the cottage than the relationship.

The relationship hasn't really been peaceful for some time, and I don't expect a reading would affect that. However, the one thing it did do for me is to assure me that no matter what happens, I will be okay.

Three of Cauldrons

2006-04-06T13:49:00.000-07:00

This morning as I was getting ready to leave the hotel room, my (new) Witchy Tarot deck called out to me. I didn't have time to play with it there, so I tucked it into my purse and headed out the door.

When I got into work, it was very quiet, so I shuffled the deck and asked it what was going on with me today. Since hunky has been on my mind, it wasn't surprising that I pulled the Three of Cauldrons (cups).

Cups is the emotions suit, and in many decks the three of cups portrays three women. However, in the Witchy Tarot, it shows a skateboarding dude and an inline skating girl. The dude is sitting on a wall, and the girl is in his lap. She looks like she is about to feed him something from the cauldron, but instead they are huddled together, as if sharing a secret.

I think it's interesting that I used this deck today instead of Tarot of White Cats. In this particular deck, this card obviously speaks to my romantic relationship, whereas the same card out of the White Cats deck would not.

Just yesterday, Todd and I had a very interesting chat at lunchtime. At some point, he said that it didn't seem like I was very broken up about our separation, and that worried him a bit. Not that he wants me to be sad, but that it didn't appear as if I missed him or was affected by his absence, which could signal a lack of desire on my part to work things out.

I told him that while of course I am affected by our separation, I think I've just come to the "fuck it" part of it. We've been together for 8 years, most of which I've felt I've never been completely what he wants. The first separation tore me apart. I became depressed and needed counseling... a first in my life for both. This time, though, I think I'm just too weary of the situation... now it's just "fuck it, give him time to figure it out. I'll live either way."

My comment hurt him a little, and I feel bad about that. And it's not that I don't want him... I do. But I am not going to change to accomodate him any further than I have already.

So, how does this rant relate to the card? Just that the card shows us talking, sharing secrets. And since I've moved into the hotel, it seems that everytime we get together, we're doing that: talking. Sharing. No fuss. No drama. Just plain talk.

I think this card is showing me that we will continue to talk. And really, that's all I need to know for now.

I'm A Winner, Baby!

2006-04-05T10:30:00.000-07:00

I can't believe my good fortune. Last night, I won the auction for a lot of tarot cards, which contains Whimsical Tarot Cards, Inner Child Cards, and Tarot of the Gnomes. I was nervous about this auction, because there was no way I would be able to get computer access the hour before the auction was to end... I was sure someone would outbid me.

I was (thankfully) wrong!

I've wanted the Whimsical Tarot for about a year now, and FINALLY got it... along with some pretty cool cards. It can't get here fast enough!

Psychic Fair

2006-04-04T12:10:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago, I attended our local bi-annual psychic fair.

It was a huge disappointment.

Normally, I walk around the floor a few times, and pick up vibes from the readers. I am usually able to determine which one(s) will be right for me, simply by this walkthrough. This time, however, I didn't pick up any positive vibes from any of the readers.

While I was walking around the floor, one of the guys in my Risting class looked up from his tarot booth and saw me. It was too awkward just to wave and walk by. I felt obligated then to get a reading. For $15 for 15 minutes, he was the cheapest reader there.

I sat down, and he instructed me to shuffle the cards three times while concentrating on my question. I did. He had me cut the cards three times, then pile them back on top of one another. He then dealt the cards out, and proceeded to give me my reading.

It didn't answer my question, which was "What do I do about my cottage?"

Since the reading took WAY less than 15 minutes, he asked me if he had answered my question. I said not really. He asked if I would care to reveal the question, and I did. He then proceeded to associate the cards with my question. I still didn't see much of a connection.

Just when I was about to give up hope on the reading, he actually stopped looking at the cards and just started to give me some magical advice about the cottage. He suggested crystals and a dedication ceremony. He also gave me a few other ideas... all of which I hadn't even thought of.

So, while the reading fell flat (in my opinion), the magical advice he gave me was most welcome.

I walked around some more, hoping to get a good vibe off of someone, but I just didn't. I did, however, find a set of runes that just called out to me at one of the vendor booths. The stones themselves are small, but they are colorful and beautiful and I was drawn to them in an unexplainable way (I really don't do runes), so they are now mine to play with.

The next day, I met my friend Julie there, and we went in together. Apparently, she has the same method as I do... walk around, and "feel" the vibes. She was drawn to a woman who gave me the heebie jeebies. While Julie sat for her 45-minute reading, I again wandered around the hall in hopes of catching some positive vibes that I didn't the day before.

I saw a woman with a sign that read Out Of The Broom Closet. She did tarot readings. I wasn't drawn to her, but as I passed her booth, I saw that next to her tarot deck she had a set of Virtue's Healing With The Angels cards. She caught my eye as I looked at her cards, and spoke to me.

Damn.

I hate it when they talk to me, because then I feel obligated to stop. And I did.

I asked her if she did two different types of readings, or if she incorporated the Healing With The Angels cards into her tarot readings. She explained that she did a regular tarot reading, then after it was done, used the Healing With The Angels cards to give more insight/healing. She was cheaper than most ($20 for a 15-minute reading), so obligated me sat down for a reading.

The card reading again left me feeling as if something was missing. She did pick up on some things, though: She said that I was comfortable in a routine, and as of late my routine had been interrupted. She said that it was important to seize that back, especially with regards to exercise. She said that someone - probably my partner - was making demands on me, but that I needed to ignore them and take the time out to exercise. I found that particularly interesting, since I had just been talking to hunky about it that week. I said that I really needed him to give me the space I need to exercise regularly, because the lack of doing so was really eating at me.

She also picked up on the fact that hunky is younger than me, and that we were having some communication problems. However, other parts of the reading fell flat or felt off-base. However, one thing she kept mentioning (that hunky wasn't feeling committed to me) felt totally wrong, but when I brought it up to hunky later, he said in some ways that was true. (Which eventually lead to more discussions about the state of our relationship, blah, blah, blah...)

When she came to the end of the reading, she had me shuffle the Healing With The Angels deck and pick three cards. This is where the reading got quite corny for me: she actually opened up the book and read the meanings out loud to me. Now... I've got that same deck at home and could've done the same thing.

I felt cheated!

In some ways, the cards did balance out the reading, but in others, they did not. Again... some of this could stem from the fact that I think I really felt at the time that things were a lot better between hunky and I than they actually were.

When my reading concluded, Julie was still at her reading. I walked around some more, feeling a bit let down and praying that someone would just send out the vibe that they were the reader for me. As I passed Miss Terry's booth (she's a local psychic that is often on the radio), I felt drawn to her. Finally! She was reading for someone else, so I perused her booth to see if she had her prices listed.

She didn't.

That's normally a clear sign that she's an expensive reader. And she probably is, as she's been on the radio a lot here.

Still, I wanted to at least ask... at this point, I was willing to hand over some major sheckles to get a good reading. But I never got an opportunity to ask...she was constantly busy, and wasn't free before we left.

The woman that I bought the runes from the day before was giving readings for a donation. I thought I'd check her out, and saw the most BEAUTIFUL cards on her table as I passed by. They were the Russian Fortune Teller Cards, most unusual.

I felt connected to this woman...not in the way that she would give me a good reading, but in a spiritual sense. I just felt that she was someone who could be a friend. So, I sat down and she read for me. Now, she also used the book, but she wasn't charging $20 to do it!

She explained that she had been using this particular set of cards for years and years and that she had the meanings down pat, however in reading for others she liked to use the book to see if anything really jumped out at her. And a few times it did. As she read the meanings for some of the matches that came up in the cards, she would say "It could mean this, but intuitively I feel that this other meaning is the one that applies to you." And sure enough, she was pretty much always right. (I say pretty much, because there was one card that just didn't resonate with me, but then again... I think it was more denial on my part than a problem with the cards.)

Even though I didn't really find any readers that vibed with me, I must say I enjoyed the amount of vendors at the fair. Usually the readers WAY outnumber the vendors, but this time around, it almost seemed like there were more vendors than readers (which might have been some of the problem!). I saw a bunch of stuff I wanted... but I basically just bought the runes and then some candles on sale.

Hopefully the October psychic fair will be better. I'm counting the months...

Day, Week, Month

2006-03-13T08:24:00.000-08:00

I haven't turned to the cards in awhile. I had a couple of professional readings last month, and haven't felt a real need. But today I felt the deck Tarot of White Cats calling, so I decided to do a reading.

While shuffling the cards, I felt I needed to do a Day, Week, Rest of the Month reading, so I pulled three cards. Here they are:

Day: The Sun
I normally don't read reversed cards, but this one appeared reversed, and I think in today's case the reversed meaning applies. See, Chris is on vacation today, and it's Michelle's regularly scheduled day off, so it's just me and Dennis... which equals stress for me. So The Sun is usually a card of happiness, but reversed I'd say unhappiness.

Week: King of Chalices (Cups)
Wow. Well, the King in this card is on his throne, looking calm and peaceful while surrounded by water in a sea. The sea also seems calm, although there are clouds in the background indicating that perhaps a storm is moving in.

With Chris on vacation, I have no doubt that a storm will be moving in here at work. (And also quite literally, we are expecting another storm here in Reno). This card is calling me to be calm, wise and tolerent in the next week.

Calm? Wise? TOLERENT? Me? We'll see... I can work on it, though, I suppose!

Rest of the Month: The High Priestess
The High Priestess is a card I almost always have trouble deciphering in readings concerning myself. The keywords for this card are Nonaction, Unconscious Awareness, Potential and Mystery. I have to say, I'm having trouble putting those words together with what to expect for the rest of the month.

In regards to work, which I think is my biggest concern considering that Chris will be gone for the next two weeks, the keyword "Potential" stands out. Although I hate dealing with stuff I don't have to (i.e. other people's responsibilities), I suppose I actually have the potential to be a success in Chris' absence.

Thing is, I don't want to. But I don't have a choice... she's gone and I have to deal.

Vassago

2006-03-05T19:14:00.000-08:00

The other night in class, my instructor, Steve, led us in an exercise to contact the spirit Vassago for some "information gathering."

Using tarot cards, the circle was called. Steve called Vassago. The woman who acted as vessel had a stack of tarot cards (minor arcana, aces removed), and we proceded to ask Vassago questions, and "the vessel" would put tarot cards down on one of the ace cards on the table, illiciting a "Yes," "No," "Maybe," or "Ask another question" response.

When it was my turn to ask a question, I asked "Will I get the job at KOLO?" The answer was maybe. Steve asked me if I wanted the job. I said I wasn't sure. A couple of the more learned people laughed, and then Steve explained that Vassago isn't a fortune teller; he can only give information on known things. So, in other words, if I didn't know if I wanted the job, my indecision would not give Vassago a clear vision on the answer.

Steve suggested I be more precise in my question, and gave me a couple of examples. So I asked "If I apply for the job at KOLO, will I get it?" And Vassago said "Yes."

The next day, I went about the task of brushing up my resume and writing a cover letter. I wanted hunky to review, first, and he wasn't able to until the evening. After I made a few changes, I sent it to KOLO the next day.

I haven't heard from KOLO, not even an email stating they received my resume. So, now I'm left wondering what the deal is.

See, after I heard the "yes" and got my resume together, I started to feel that the job was mine. When I sent the resume in, I just had this overwhelming sense that I had done the right thing and would soon get a call. However, the call hasn't come.

I am trying to remind myself that a similar thing happened when I first applied at the company I'm with now. I applied, was told they wanted me, and cancelled the interview a day before it happened. It took two more tries (after they fired incompetent assistants) before I finally became an employee.

So maybe I shouldn't feel as if I was wrong in thinking the job is mine. Maybe it's just going to take some more time. After all, I didn't ask if it would happen this year!

Knight of Bats

2006-03-05T19:13:00.000-08:00

I haven't done a reading in ages... mostly because I had a couple of professional readings recently, and didn't feel the need afterwards to keep reading on a daily basis.

Today, however, I felt the cards singing out to me to use them.

I wasn't sure what question to ask... as I shuffled the deck, I thought and thought about what I wanted to know, and it dawned on me: What is up with my energy level?

Using the Halloween Tarot, I pulled the Knight of Bats (Swords). Swords is the suit of conflict... interesting, because my energy levels feel conflicted. One minute I am tired and lethargic, the next I have energy. But I'm finding if I don't do anything constructive with that energy, I'm tired. Again.

The Knight is a card of action... I think it's calling me to me more like it and stop the cycle of lethargy. I think this card is telling me that my lethargy is coming from myself... from self-imposed boundaries and/or censorship.

A lot has happened to me since November, especially with regards to speaking my mind and being ostracized for it. For years I was silent... and when I finally found my voice, it seems to have caused problems.

I think the Knight of Bats is telling me that I have to rediscover my voice. It's there for a reason... don't be afraid of conflict and just speak.

The Hanged Man

2006-02-15T07:53:00.000-08:00

I haven't done a daily pull in a few days. I had two major readings done on me Sunday, and hadn't felt the need. Today, though, I felt the need.

I pulled out my favorite deck and asked the same old question: What do I need to be aware of today? The card I pulled? The Hanged Man.

At first glance, I thought "Inactivity." But, then something nagged at me, so I went and looked up the meaning. A portion of the definition really stood out: "In readings, the Hanged Man reminds us that the best approach to a problem is not always the most obvious. When we most want to force our will on someone, that is when we should release. When we most want to have our own way, that is when we should sacrifice. When we most want to act, that is when we should wait. The irony is that by making these contradictory moves, we find what we are looking for."

This last part stood out and stopped me in my tracks. Last night, I learned how to do a simple love spell using a candle. Since things have been so rocky between hunky and I, I planned on taking what I learned and putting it into action. I believe pulling this card when I did was the Universe's way of telling me "don't do it yet."

So I won't.

The important thing is, I know how to do it if I need to, though...

What's Going On?

2006-02-09T08:44:00.000-08:00

For the last week, hunky and I have been bickering like Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie. I don't know what's wrong. I have been able to figure out that a lot of it is me... still, I'm not sure what's going on. To help clear away the fog, I did a simple three-card spread today:

1) Past: The Moon
A card of anxiety. Fear. Illusion.

I don't know that I'm feeling particularly anxiety-ridden or fearful. Perhaps this card has to do more with him than me. I do sometimes operate under the illusion that all is well at the Snuggle Ranch, but in reality, we have some serious problems.

2) Present: Death
Ahhh. Well, this card signifies a change coming or an end of a journey. I prefer to think this card doesn't mean a death to our relationship... hopefully it means death to the bickering. Or the situation causing the bickering.

I know I'm feeling smothered lately. I feel as if I have absolutely no freedom to do what I want. Even a simple act like watching a 30 minute TV show that I like is invaded. I feel like I can't breathe and that leaves me lashing out.

3) Future: Ten of Cups
An emotions card. Shows a happy couple surrounded by dancing. It's a card of peace and family. This card signifies that hunky and I will work out our problem... I just wish today I knew how we are going to accomplish that!

Four of Wands

2006-02-08T08:53:00.000-08:00

Today I just did a regular one-card pull, using Tarot of White Cats (of course!). I asked the deck if there was anything I should know/be aware of today, and I pulled the Four of Wands.

The card depicts two cats sharing a basket of food. In front of them is a garland of flowers and greenery, held up by the four wands. The cats are a bit away from the village; this clearly looks like some sort of picnic or small celebration.

The card is one of celebration, excitement and freedom. For me, I believe the card is the latter: freedom. I am planning an escape. Plus, my boss isn't in today, and the office is always a bit more relaxed when he's gone.

Freedom. It' s just another word for nothing left to lose.

Five of Cups

2006-02-07T13:15:00.000-08:00

I've had a run of good luck lately, so I decided to ask the cards if it was going to last much longer. I pulled the Five of Cups.

Uh oh.

The cat on the card is clearly grieving over some sort of loss. At his feet are three overturned empty cups. The other two could be full... or could be empty. It's difficult to tell.

Now, I could read this card literally and say I have two more good luck episodes ahead of me until the bad starts surrounding me again... or I can just tell by the cat that it's over already.

Intuitively, I think this card is telling me it's over already. But oh! how I'd love for there to be two more good luck adventures in front of me!

Dee Dee

2006-02-01T13:49:00.000-08:00

Okay. Well. I saw a picture of a dog on a local rescue organization's website the other day, and I keep visiting her. So... I did a two-card tarot pull to see what the cards had to say about her:

Card 1: Dee Dee's personality
Six of Cups

Innocence. Good will. A childlike heart. Sounds like she's got a wonderful personality. But how will she fit in our household?

Card 2: How will Dee Dee fit in our household?
Three of Pentacles

This is a card of teamwork. It could also signify not rushing in... plan before doing. However, intuitively, I don't get that feeling when I look at the card. Instead, I see three cats working well together. Dee Dee would make our third dog. I believe this card shows that she will work well with the other two.

Now the question remaining is how will I get to Incline Village before she's adopted out to someone else??? I'm not sure the cards can answer that!

The Hermit

2006-01-31T15:22:00.000-08:00

Tonight I'm going out with my hunky and his visiting sister. We have a big night planned: dinner and a show. It's been a harried and frenetic few days, so I asked the cards "What should I be aware of tonight?"

I pulled The Hermit.

The Hermit frequently signifies a need for time alone. However, it also can represent searching and guidance.

I don't think the latter two apply to my evening.

I do know I need some time alone. I also know there is no way I'm getting it tonight; as soon as I get home, we have to leave to pick up hunky's sister from her hotel. We're going straight to dinner, then to the show.

So if I'm not getting alone time tonight, and I know I'm not getting it, what does this card mean? That I should be aware I need time? Should I take time tomorrow? I really have no idea... I hate it when that happens.

New Dog?

2006-01-28T21:59:00.000-08:00

Hunky and I have been talking about getting a friend for Spencer. We don't know if he really needs a friend; he just gets so sad when Glindy is gone for service dog training.

Today we looked. And looked. And looked. We didn't get a dog, but I was curious as to what the cards have to say about getting a dog. It felt as if I should draw three cards:

Halloween Tarot

1) Knight of Imps (Wands)
This card represents Glindy. The Knight of Wands has a lot of her characteristics, although certainly not all of them.

2) Page of Ghosts (Cups)
This card definitely represents Spencer; loving, emotional, intuitive.

3) Seven of Pumpkins (Pentacles)
Card of rest. Of taking stock. I think this card is saying that right now, everything is fine between Glindy & Spencer. He may miss her when she's gone, but we need to really take stock of the situation before we adopt another dog.

The LiveJournal Drama Spread

2006-01-27T19:02:00.000-08:00

So much drama in such a little time. In honor of it all, I designed the LiveJournal Drama Spread.

Deck: Halloween Tarot

Last week: Two of Imps (Wands)
Power struggle is what I see in this card. And basically, that's what the drama was all about. One person wanted all the control (including wanting to control who got what "friends"). The other person put up a fight. Struggle. Yeah, this card is right on.

This weekend: Death
The ending of an era. Lots of friendships ended this past week. In reality, they were already on the death march. The people lost this week weren't real friends and hadn't been for quite some time. If they can be bought off, so to speak, then they have no place in my heart anyway.

Next week: Ace of Bats (Swords)
Swords: conflict; Aces: beginnings. This card is letting me know this battle isn't really over. There are more hurdles coming. In this card, a bat is hanging from a woman's finger. Interestingly, the finger is pointing in a direction. I think this card is telling me that yes, there will be hurdles but I have to just move right through them. Face them head on.

I can hang in there... just like the bat.

King of Pentacles

2006-01-26T08:47:00.000-08:00

Man, I didn't even have to think twice about this card (drawn from my new Hanson-Roberts deck).

The King of Pentacles obviously stands for hunky (the man who loves me and supports me, both emotionally and financially). The King of Pentacles in this particular deck looks worn out and tired. Hunky has felt tired lately. He's unsure if it's the start of a bout of depression, or just the tiredness from knowing that he has a lot to do, and no inclination to do it.

This card reminds me to pay some attention to hunky. Last night we didn't connect at all; a phone call interrupted our short time together, so I didn't see him again after he left for a meeting last night (because I, as usual, went to bed aroun 9 pm).

The good news is, I won some tickets for a comedy show here in town. So, guess who'll be spending some time with hunky? Um, for you slow ones out there, that would be me.

Ace of Pentacles

2006-01-25T07:58:00.000-08:00

Today, my new Hanson-Roberts deck called out to me, so I put Tarot of White Cats back into its box, pulled out my Hanson-Roberts deck, and did my thang.

I pulled the Ace of Pentacles. At first I thought "Money suit. Prosperity." Then I remembered that Aces signify beginnings.

The suit of Pentacles isn't just about money. It's about abundance (and lack of). It's about security.

In thinking about my day yesterday, and how that could transfer over to today, I think the Ace of Pentacles is telling me I am about to head in a new direction, with regards to abundance and security. The abundance I am most concerned about is friends. I have felt a lack lately, and yet, I also feel that I'm getting in deeper with some relationships that I've had for awhile.

Money is good, but friends? Friends make the world go 'round.

Nine of Pentacles

2006-01-24T07:59:00.000-08:00

Whenever I pull this card, I rarely focus in on the falcon perched on the refined lady's arm. So, it usually takes me awhile to take in this card.

Today was no exception.

The bird does blend in with the colors of the garment on the lady, and also the background. Yet, it is there: the bird trained to hunt and kill on demand.

I see that in many ways, I am like that lady. While this woman is more refined than I, traits of refinement are in me. Yet, I have that rough side... that killer side.

I think this card is reminding me to control the killer instinct. To let things go, and just move on.

I actually thought I had moved on, but perhaps a few remnants remain. I will take care to notice them, and squash them, because they are no longer needed.

Tarot To Go!

2006-01-23T08:08:00.000-08:00

Last night, hunky took me to Barnes & Noble. His motives weren't altruistic; he had to go pee, and knew they had clean bathrooms. I, however, took full advantage of a trip to a bookstore, and quickly headed for the New Age area.

What I found was this little Tarot To Go! set, featuring a miniature version of the Hanson-Roberts Tarot Deck, a deck I've been coveting for some time now. At $7.95, the price was right, so I decided right then and there the set was mine.

I ran into a bit of luck at B&N. My Risting Tradition instructor was there, working the till. He called me over, and gave me a discount on the set. Woohoo!

When I got home, I broke open the set. The cards are simply lovely. I'm not sure they'll replace Tarot of White Cats as my favorite deck, yet the colors and the pictures are quite attractive. Plus, the set comes with a little book of meanings, directly associated with the Hanson-Roberts deck itself.

This looks like the perfect set to travel with. But of course, why would I wait to take a trip to use it? That's just crazy talk. So here's a brief reading, using my new deck.

One card pull.
What do I need to be aware of this week?
Five of Pentacles

Ack. Not a good card. Shows a man who has definitely seen better days. His health is fading. I think this card indicates that I may not feel at my best this week. I know I've been tired a lot lately. I keep telling myself I'll go back to using supplements. But I don't.

I should heed this card and do exactly what my little voice has been telling me. Pay attention! Take those vitamins!

Okay, little voice. I will.

2006-01-23T08:02:00.000-08:00

Instead of doing my usual one-card daily pull, I thought I'd try something different that I saw on a tarot website. It's a three-card pull for the day. Let's see how this works out for me:

Deck: Tarot of White Cats

Morning: Ten of Cups

Cups. The suit of emotions. This card shows a happy family. All is well. Not sure how this actually relates to my morning, except that I did send off a card to my parents this morning. Maybe that will have some significance on their end that I'm not aware of.

Afternoon: Eight of Cups

This is going to be an emotion-filled day! Of course, the first card stands means peace & joy. And so far, my morning has been relatively peaceful.

Eight of Cups, on the other hand, is a card that shows a cat on a journey. He is weary... you can see it in his stance. I am sometimes weary on the job... it feels like I am going nowhere fast. Reno is not the kind of place where opportunities abound. I think of finding another job, but realize that I probably won't have it as good as I have it here... and that's kind of sad, because I don't have it so good here! But, the people are nice and the three-day weekends are nothing to sneeze at. Still... it can be a wearisome trek at times.

Evening: The Hierophant

I think I've pulled this card enough lately to finally remember its meaning all on my own. This card is all about learning, beliefs, and conformity. Interestingly enough, I bought an excellent book about Celtic Christianity that I hope to delve into tonight... again, more searching. More research. More learning.

Verdict on this spread? It's okay. I'll review it against how my day was tomorrow and see if it's one I'll do again.

Sun, Moon, Stars

2006-01-22T21:54:00.000-08:00

I'm trying a new spread tonight: Sun, Moon, Stars. I'm using my Halloween Tarot deck...

Let's see what I've got:

1) Sun - What you see clearly
Card: Queen of Bats (Swords)

The Queen of Swords represents me. And, over the last few days, I've really seen myself clearly. I wish others would, too, instead of relying on what someone else says about me. But you know... that's life. Some people don't think with their own heads... they are easily swayed by the lies of others.

2) Moon - What you're having a hard time seeing.
Card: Four of Imps (Wands)

This shows two couples. They look like they're dancing. This is a card of excitement & celebration & freedom. What I'm not seeing is that there is a certain freedom that comes from losing certain people and/or situations from my life.

3)Stars - What you wish will happen.
Queen of Imps (Wands)

Wow. Queen of Imps. Obviously, I WISH I was that woman... the one that everyone likes. The one that is involved in everything. I'm not that person, and I probably never will be.

Is wishing to be so such a bad thing, though?

My Next Spiritual Step

2006-01-21T15:36:00.000-08:00

Deck: Halloween Tarot

1) What is the next step on my path? What stage do I need to aim at and attain?
Card: Temperance

This card shows a witch concocting something in her cauldron. The mix must be "just so." She is following a recipe, but also making a mess.

Temperance is a card of combining forces and of balance. Honestly, not sure I actually see balance in the card, but to recipes are all about balance. I am following a new path of spirituality, and I'm mixing up a bit of this and a bit of that to find a balance. I think this card is simply telling me I'm doing the right thing, and to just keep on keepin' on.

2) What is being of hindrance? What is opposing my goal?
The Emperor

This card shows a very awake Frankenstein bound to a chair. He's not bound tightly though; only one chain, which I'm sure, if he tried hard enough, he could break (him being Frankenstein and all). My eyes are also drawn to a brain sitting in a glass vase. Is it his brain? It's readily available, yet just not there...

I know this card can be a fathering card, but it's also a card of regulation and structure. My hindrance (in spiritual things) is always structure and regulation. As I am a born-again Christian, what I was taught in the beginning of that path sometimes contradicts what I believe now. And I struggle with it periodically. As this card shows, though, the chain can be broken if I try hard enough.

3) What can be favourable? What can help me to success?
The Star

This is a card of hope, inspiration, and serenity. Honestly, I don't see it in the actual picture on this card. Serenity, that is. But, as a symbol, stars are something we wish on... which would signify hope and perhaps also inspiration.

By continuing to seek out spirituality, I can gain hope and serenity, which to me is really all the emotional comfort I need.

4) What attitudes should I leave behind? What aspects do I have to disregard?
Eight of Swords

Helplessness... yes, sometimes I feel helpless or bound by tradition. The form of Christianity I first discovered can be one of very tight chains. Sometimes I forget I'm no longer under those chains.

5) What attitudes ought I cultivate? What aspects do I need to focus on?
The Fool

We all know the Fool steps out onto his journey without a care in the world. I think this card signifies that I need to just step out on faith, and forget about old thought patterns that can hamper my spiritual quest.

Man. I love this spread. The cards really all seem to fit exactly where I'm headed. And the "warning" cards are right on the money as well.

I really am liking this Halloween Tarot. It might become a new favorite.

Page of Ghosts

2006-01-20T14:38:00.000-08:00

Today I used my Halloween Tarot deck for my daily pull.

I asked it a question about my current situation. I pulled the Page of Ghosts (cups).

By looking at the card, I couldn't really tell what the card is all about. There's a boy in a ghost costume, staring at a cup with a fish coming out of it. I'm not really sure what the fish stands for; the card is similar in the Rider-Waite deck as well, with a fish coming out of a cup.

I really received no initial intuitive response... which I've come to know means HELPER CARD.

And the helper card is: Two of Pumpkins (pentacles).

I turned to a source to gleen more information about the Page of Ghosts. One sentence really stood out: "The Page of Cups can also stand for a child or young-at-heart adult whose interactions with you involve emotional needs, moodiness, love, intimacy or spirituality." I've been dealing with someone who is very childish in nature, and not in a good way. Their maturity level is childish, and when dealing with this person, I sometimes resort to a bit of childish behavior myself, because acting like an adult doesn't get me anywhere.

Of course, acting like a child doesn't, either.

The Two of Pumpkins is a card of balance and fun. It shows a jester juggling two pumpkins... but the pumpkins are within a band, so the jester is not going to lose either pumpkin.

I had a bit of fun in dealing with this childish person, but I believe this card is telling me to remember that while fun is good, it might be time to back off. Balance is the key.

The King of Swords

2006-01-19T11:11:00.000-08:00

How fitting to choose my King today.

The King of Swords is: intellectual, analytical, articulare, just, and ethical.

Today I am none of those things.

Oh, I'm not a complete degenerate. It's just that I did something kind of impish today... and while it brings me great glee, it might also not have been the right thing to do.

The King of Swords implored me not to engage in impish antics. However, I ignored him.

Will it come back and bite me in the butt? Probably... but I still had fun.

The Lovers

2006-01-18T11:09:00.000-08:00

Normally, this card refers to a strong love relationship. However, this card also refers to personal beliefs and values; today, I believe this card should be read re: the latter meanings.

Last night, I once again found out that my other journal had been compromised. Without going into all the drama-infused details, it happened because there is either 1) someone on my friends list who is still actively stabbing me in the back or 2) someone who just can't let bygones be bygones and feels the need to electronically stalk me day after day, week after week, because of my own personal belief/value system.

I am often quite frank in my journal. Heck, it's my journal. I prefer typing to handwriting, so it's quite cathartic for me to just let it all out via the keyboard. However, my sometimes unpopular opinions get me in hot water with the LJ trolls. So, frick them. I found a new place to let it all hang out. I can go commando here on Blogger and not feel any of the repurcussions I get on LiveJournal.

I've discovered, the hard way, that I can't be responsible for people who refuse to grow up. Some people take the opinions of others much too seriously. Well, as I said "frick them." As for me and my opinions, we've moved elsewhere.

Oh mind you, the move didn't happen because I'm scared of them. Or intimidated by them. No, they're just starting to bore me with their drama.

And we all know, the Queen of Swords hates to be bored.