The Key

 “All you have to do is ask.” Well, that’s how I got the key in the first place– I simply asked. It arrived in a beautiful box, wrapped in scented tissue and sprinkled with hope. Or faith. Or maybe just simply well wishes. It was kind of hard to tell, what with the fragrance of rose petals drifting up… whatever the case, the key was given with love, and that was for certain.

The puzzle was figuring out what the key unlocked. What is its function? What do I use it for? These questions nagged at me for days.

I placed the key by my bed in hopes it would talk to me during my sleeping hours. Yet even after asking it kindly, the key remained silent during the darkness of the night and did not – or would not – infiltrate my dreams.

I sat with it often in the quiet moments, and pleaded with it to tell me what it unlocked. Still, the key remained steadfast in its silence.

Determined and unwilling to give up, I took the key into a sunlit area on a cold winter’s day. I sat cross legged, key in hands, with the sun warming my back. As I held the key, I imagined myself melding with it, becoming one. As we became one unit, I said, “What do we unlock?”

The key said, “It’s up to you – what do you want? What to you hope for? What do you need?”

All of a sudden, single words came falling down on my head like heavy droplets of rain. “Kindness.” “Creativity.” “Hope.” “Abundance.” “Love.”

Then sentences came to me in whirling cyclones of words, rushing toward my ears. “I need strong relationships.” “I want opportunity to travel.” “I wish for good health and well-being.”

More and more came rushing at me – single words, longer sentences. Affirmations. Hopes. Dreams. Wants. Needs. The air around me was busy and full of energy. There was too much to sort through – how would I narrow it down to just one item… one focus?

I opened my eyes. It was too much. I had to walk away. I put the key down and walked. The day was quiet, the cold had chased everyone indoors.

Step after step, I searched for answers. The key definitely held the potential to unlock so many things. I was overwhelmed with possibility. I felt more lost than before I received the key. What was I do with it? Which door would it unlock?

As I walked through the neighborhood it dawned on me: look through the keyhole. See what’s on the other side. I turned around and headed for home. It was time to do some peeking.

I put the key in another room. For being such a quiet key, he was awfully noisy all of a sudden. I needed quiet. I needed focus. I needed distance from the key.

With that in mind, I sat back down and fell into the sun’s warm embrace. I closed my eyes and focused on the keyhole. In my mind’s eye, I approached the door. I bent down, took a deep breath in and let it out, then peered through the keyhole. As I searched the empty room, my eye spotted a word above the fireplace. One single word, written in pink.

Kindness.

I backed up away from the door, my answer in hand. The key unlocked kindness… in me. Around me. Above me. Below me. Kindness.

It’s really very simple, isn’t it? Kindness begets kindness. And kindness opens up a world of possibilities… I can’t wait to begin my adventure in kindness – of journeys into the Pay It Forward randomness of life. Of uttering compliments to strangers. Of jumping out of the walls my shyness has built up and just becoming more… of saying more. Of doing more.

Kindness. It really is the key to everything, isn’t it?

House of Cards

I don't even really know where to begin. You might say, "Begin at the beginning." One small problem: I'm not sure where the beginning is.

Is the beginning when I broke up with Mr. Kim? Or is it when I moved here to Reno? Is the beginning when my mom died? Or is the beginning when I finally got work after being laid off for a year? Or could it be that the beginning is here. Now. My dad's hospitalization and his deteriorating health.

I'm not sure any more. They're all beginnings in a way, and yet they're all endings, too. Like the Death card in Tarot, these things are definitely endings, but they're also beginnings. The death of one thing brings forth new life. New journeys. New hardships.

I am on the brink...of something. Despair? Anguish? Depression? All of the above?

All I know is that I've felt anxious for days. And also depressed. I've felt angry and sad and unloved and unwanted. I've felt worthless and ugly and fat and alone. So, I guess it's no surprise that seeing a wedding picture of Kim and Mr. Kim set me over the edge.

And so I did. I saw two wedding pictures and whatever bits of glue had been holding me together over the last month just broke apart. I'm not quite sure why, as I'm fairly certain I am over him and have been for a while. I don't love him any more.

Wait. Do I?

I'm pretty sure I don't. And yet...

Here I am, feeling devastated after seeing a picture of them. The funny thing is, in both pictures she looked deliriously happy. He looked... well, not deliriously happy. Then again, because of Asperger's, he is never really deliriously happy.

I sometimes still wonder what clinched the deal. I remember one of the last times we spoke, and he spoke of her. I hadn't even brought her up. But he did. They had had a fight, and in telling me about his frustration he almost yelled the words, "I am not going to marry that girl!" Those words caught me by surprise.

He explained that she was pressuring him into marriage, and he wasn't going to marry her. Yet, he said he could not come up with a good reason to not get engaged to her. And to keep her happy, he would follow through on that.

He said he wasn't excited sexually by her, no matter how hard she tried to seduce him. But...she took care of him. And did it well. And without complaint.

Ouch.

I can attempt to comfort myself by stating it's a dysfunctional relationship. And I can do that from now until kingdom come, but guess what? I saw her picture. She's gorgeous. And then I think why isn't he sexually attracted to her? Perhaps he is now. I don't know - and honestly, I don't want to know.

I know their relationship is a bit dysfunctional, but it's the type of dysfunction that works. She's dependent on making him happy. She likes knowing that she makes his life easier. She likes being his mommy. And I can make in fun of that all I want, but guess what? I'm still the loser.

I'm the one that he was with for eleven years. I'm the one that never got to walk down the aisle. And even though his sexual desire for me continued to be strong well into his relationship with her, she's still prettier than me. And younger than me. And she's the one wearing his ring.

Yet - this isn't what this is about. This is just what pushed me to the edge and left me feeling like I'm dangling on by a thread.

The truth is, the last few months have sucked. I almost feel like it's 2009 all over again. My dad is sick. My job sucks. I can't get ahead. I'm feeling my age. I don't have anyone in my life who loves me.

I've been feeling like I am barely even living. I'm scared of the future. I honestly don't even think I have one.

I'm actually at the point where I am tired of living. I don't see the point of it any more. I have no major significance to anyone. Or anything.

I've felt people pulling away from me - people who are important to me. I'm sure it's because I smell like death. Or even though I try to mask it, people can still see me for what I am: a big, fat failure. And really, who wants to hang with failure?

When this all hit me like a ton of bricks today, I left my cubical, went to my car, and sat there in the quiet. As the sun streamed through the car windows, I found it difficult to breathe and to concentrate.

I held my head as thoughts raced through my head. Unhealthy thoughts. Healthy thoughts. Moments of blankness.

One thought kept coming through loudly: Move. Get out of Reno. Go live with your dad.

But... a thousand buts. I love Reno. I have a support system here - and I honestly haven't had one since I left the Army. I have friends and social groups. I have a house that I love - absolutely love. The economy sucks in California. I have no friends there. No support system. No spiritual outlets.

Buts.

And then there are the questions. How will I sell my home (say it with me now) "in this economy"? How will I find a job? How do I get rid of my stuff? How do I date when I'm back at home? Or do I?

Questions.

Lots of questions.

The worst part of it is, I have no answers. But perhaps the real tragedy is that I think I'm running out of hope.

House of Cards

I don't even really know where to begin. You might say, "Begin at the beginning." One small problem: I'm not sure where the beginning is.

Is the beginning when I broke up with Mr. Kim? Or is it when I moved here to Reno? Is the beginning when my mom died? Or is the beginning when I finally got work after being laid off for a year? Or could it be that the beginning is here. Now. My dad's hospitalization and his deteriorating health.

I'm not sure any more. They're all beginnings in a way, and yet they're all endings, too. Like the Death card in Tarot, these things are definitely endings, but they're also beginnings. The death of one thing brings forth new life. New journeys. New hardships.

I am on the brink...of something. Despair? Anguish? Depression? All of the above?

All I know is that I've felt anxious for days. And also depressed. I've felt angry and sad and unloved and unwanted. I've felt worthless and ugly and fat and alone. So, I guess it's no surprise that seeing a wedding picture of Kim and Mr. Kim set me over the edge.

And so I did. I saw two wedding pictures and whatever bits of glue had been holding me together over the last month just broke apart. I'm not quite sure why, as I'm fairly certain I am over him and have been for a while. I don't love him any more.

Wait. Do I?

I'm pretty sure I don't. And yet...

Here I am, feeling devastated after seeing a picture of them. The funny thing is, in both pictures she looked deliriously happy. He looked... well, not deliriously happy. Then again, because of Asperger's, he is never really deliriously happy.

I sometimes still wonder what clinched the deal. I remember one of the last times we spoke, and he spoke of her. I hadn't even brought her up. But he did. They had had a fight, and in telling me about his frustration he almost yelled the words, "I am not going to marry that girl!" Those words caught me by surprise.

He explained that she was pressuring him into marriage, and he wasn't going to marry her. Yet, he said he could not come up with a good reason to not get engaged to her. And to keep her happy, he would follow through on that.

He said he wasn't excited sexually by her, no matter how hard she tried to seduce him. But...she took care of him. And did it well. And without complaint.

Ouch.

I can attempt to comfort myself by stating it's a dysfunctional relationship. And I can do that from now until kingdom come, but guess what? I saw her picture. She's gorgeous. And then I think why isn't he sexually attracted to her? Perhaps he is now. I don't know - and honestly, I don't want to know.

I know their relationship is a bit dysfunctional, but it's the type of dysfunction that works. She's dependent on making him happy. She likes knowing that she makes his life easier. She likes being his mommy. And I can make in fun of that all I want, but guess what? I'm still the loser.

I'm the one that he was with for eleven years. I'm the one that never got to walk down the aisle. And even though his sexual desire for me continued to be strong well into his relationship with her, she's still prettier than me. And younger than me. And she's the one wearing his ring.

Yet - this isn't what this is about. This is just what pushed me to the edge and left me feeling like I'm dangling on by a thread.

The truth is, the last few months have sucked. I almost feel like it's 2009 all over again. My dad is sick. My job sucks. I can't get ahead. I'm feeling my age. I don't have anyone in my life who loves me.

I've been feeling like I am barely even living. I'm scared of the future. I honestly don't even think I have one.

I'm actually at the point where I am tired of living. I don't see the point of it any more. I have no major significance to anyone. Or anything.

I've felt people pulling away from me - people who are important to me. I'm sure it's because I smell like death. Or even though I try to mask it, people can still see me for what I am: a big, fat failure. And really, who wants to hang with failure?

When this all hit me like a ton of bricks today, I left my cubical, went to my car, and sat there in the quiet. As the sun streamed through the car windows, I found it difficult to breathe and to concentrate.

I held my head as thoughts raced through my head. Unhealthy thoughts. Healthy thoughts. Moments of blankness.

One thought kept coming through loudly: Move. Get out of Reno. Go live with your dad.

But... a thousand buts. I love Reno. I have a support system here - and I honestly haven't had one since I left the Army. I have friends and social groups. I have a house that I love - absolutely love. The economy sucks in California. I have no friends there. No support system. No spiritual outlets.

Buts.

And then there are the questions. How will I sell my home (say it with me now) "in this economy"? How will I find a job? How do I get rid of my stuff? How do I date when I'm back at home? Or do I?

Questions.

Lots of questions.

The worst part of it is, I have no answers. But perhaps the real tragedy is that I think I'm running out of hope.

House of Cards

I don't even really know where to begin. You might say, "Begin at the beginning." One small problem: I'm not sure where the beginning is.

Is the beginning when I broke up with Mr. Kim? Or is it when I moved here to Reno? Is the beginning when my mom died? Or is the beginning when I finally got work after being laid off for a year? Or could it be that the beginning is here. Now. My dad's hospitalization and his deteriorating health.

I'm not sure any more. They're all beginnings in a way, and yet they're all endings, too. Like the Death card in Tarot, these things are definitely endings, but they're also beginnings. The death of one thing brings forth new life. New journeys. New hardships.

I am on the brink...of something. Despair? Anguish? Depression? All of the above?

All I know is that I've felt anxious for days. And also depressed. I've felt angry and sad and unloved and unwanted. I've felt worthless and ugly and fat and alone. So, I guess it's no surprise that seeing a wedding picture of Kim and Mr. Kim set me over the edge.

And so I did. I saw two wedding pictures and whatever bits of glue had been holding me together over the last month just broke apart. I'm not quite sure why, as I'm fairly certain I am over him and have been for a while. I don't love him any more.

Wait. Do I?

I'm pretty sure I don't. And yet...

Here I am, feeling devastated after seeing a picture of them. The funny thing is, in both pictures she looked deliriously happy. He looked... well, not deliriously happy. Then again, because of Asperger's, he is never really deliriously happy.

I sometimes still wonder what clinched the deal. I remember one of the last times we spoke, and he spoke of her. I hadn't even brought her up. But he did. They had had a fight, and in telling me about his frustration he almost yelled the words, "I am not going to marry that girl!" Those words caught me by surprise.

He explained that she was pressuring him into marriage, and he wasn't going to marry her. Yet, he said he could not come up with a good reason to not get engaged to her. And to keep her happy, he would follow through on that.

He said he wasn't excited sexually by her, no matter how hard she tried to seduce him. But...she took care of him. And did it well. And without complaint.

Ouch.

I can attempt to comfort myself by stating it's a dysfunctional relationship. And I can do that from now until kingdom come, but guess what? I saw her picture. She's gorgeous. And then I think why isn't he sexually attracted to her? Perhaps he is now. I don't know - and honestly, I don't want to know.

I know their relationship is a bit dysfunctional, but it's the type of dysfunction that works. She's dependent on making him happy. She likes knowing that she makes his life easier. She likes being his mommy. And I can make in fun of that all I want, but guess what? I'm still the loser.

I'm the one that he was with for eleven years. I'm the one that never got to walk down the aisle. And even though his sexual desire for me continued to be strong well into his relationship with her, she's still prettier than me. And younger than me. And she's the one wearing his ring.

Yet - this isn't what this is about. This is just what pushed me to the edge and left me feeling like I'm dangling on by a thread.

The truth is, the last few months have sucked. I almost feel like it's 2009 all over again. My dad is sick. My job sucks. I can't get ahead. I'm feeling my age. I don't have anyone in my life who loves me.

I've been feeling like I am barely even living. I'm scared of the future. I honestly don't even think I have one.

I'm actually at the point where I am tired of living. I don't see the point of it any more. I have no major significance to anyone. Or anything.

I've felt people pulling away from me - people who are important to me. I'm sure it's because I smell like death. Or even though I try to mask it, people can still see me for what I am: a big, fat failure. And really, who wants to hang with failure?

When this all hit me like a ton of bricks today, I left my cubical, went to my car, and sat there in the quiet. As the sun streamed through the car windows, I found it difficult to breathe and to concentrate.

I held my head as thoughts raced through my head. Unhealthy thoughts. Healthy thoughts. Moments of blankness.

One thought kept coming through loudly: Move. Get out of Reno. Go live with your dad.

But... a thousand buts. I love Reno. I have a support system here - and I honestly haven't had one since I left the Army. I have friends and social groups. I have a house that I love - absolutely love. The economy sucks in California. I have no friends there. No support system. No spiritual outlets.

Buts.

And then there are the questions. How will I sell my home (say it with me now) "in this economy"? How will I find a job? How do I get rid of my stuff? How do I date when I'm back at home? Or do I?

Questions.

Lots of questions.

The worst part of it is, I have no answers. But perhaps the real tragedy is that I think I'm running out of hope.

Daily Pull: The Chariot

I'm beginning my daily pulls again. I hope to do it every day, but let's see how long I last!

Today I used the Barbara Walker Tarot, because it just happened to be in my purse. I pulled The Chariot.

In many decks, this would be a card of action - of forward movement. However, in the Barbara Walker Tarot, the card shows a Chariot drawn by two horses: one black, one white. Both are headed in different directions.

This card shows me that I'll face some opposition today. I sense some of that opposition is from me - this is the week I'm supposed to get back on track health-wise (Atkins, exercise) and I also want to incorporate more spirituality into my daily life (back to daily pulls, morning grounding, etc.).

My desire to sleep in often counteracts my desire for improvement.

Tonight is also Black Hat Society's first meeting of the year. I don't know if I'll face opposition there - however it is a planning meeting. There are two new people who said they'll be coming - this could indicate forward movement for the group as well.

So, here's to forward movement - wherever it may lead.

Sunny and Hot

I subscribe to an e-zine by Tarot Dame. She always forwards a tarot spread - usually short and sweet. This weeks' spread was based around Litha - the longest day.

Tonight I celebrate Litha and the full moon with my covenmates. But today, I am focusing on me - where I am, what I am doing, what's going on, and what I want to do about it. Because, let's face it, while the year started out great, it's been really sucky for the last month or so.

The suckiness factor amped up this last week, and it was almost more than I could bear. So when I saw Tarot Dame's spread, titled "Sunny and Hot," I was intrigued because it's theme was focusing on the good.

It's a simple two-card spread. The first card answers the question "What's sunny about my life?" The second card answers the question "What's hot about me?"

I have the perfect deck for this spread: The Sun and Moon Tarot by Vanessa Decort. I grabbed them, sat down, shuffled the cards, and uttered the questions over and over again until the time felt right. I put the cards down, cut them (as is my personal habit), and asked the first question: What is sunny about my life?

The card I pulled: The Nine of Swords with the key word being Cruelty. Oh. That doesn't bode well. Maybe the simple truth is there is nothing about my life that's sunny right now. That happens.

I looked at the card. It shows bad stuff coming from all directions, and aimed at the head. Yes, this "cruelty" of the last few weeks has been mostly mental and verbal. It's messed with my emotions. But the physical? It's okay. And maybe that's the sunny part: the woman in the card is sitting on a cloud, her head down in her lap. She is cushioned right now, even though crap keeps coming at her.

Am I cushioned? I sometimes don't feel like I am. But, if I open my eyes up wide and look around, I do see people who are there for me: cushions, if you will. My friends Claire and James put me up two weeks ago when I was in trouble. My dad knows my life is crap right now, and splurged on a pair of Sketcher Shape-ups for me- believing that if I get out and walk, the physical might help me deal with the mental. I do have people who care about me - and maybe I just need to focus on that cushion of support I have, instead of the swords that keep coming my way.

I asked the next question: What is sunny about my life. I pulled the Seven of Wands. Again, not a great card, but the key word is Valor. The card shows a woman with a wand in her hands. She is poised to fight. She is also alone. The sky is dark. She is brave.

I sometimes get sick of hearing how brave I am. People tell me this when I am at my most low: PJammy, you just keep plugging on through. You are brave - you'll get through this. And I do - I always do. For more clarity, I read the LWB and one sentence that struck me was about staying true to oneself in the face of adversity.

I do this. Over and over again.

I was hoping for the cards to give me hope or show me that something good is just around the corner. They did not. Instead they pointed out the obvious: my life sucks right now and I am fighting to keep sane and grounded.

But... I am fighting. I am still here. And I'll get through this.

I always do. And maybe that's what's sunny about my life and hot about me: perseverance. It's not sexy, but it works.

Rebirth

Lately, I've been using the oracle deck Wisdom of Avalon by Colette Baron-Reid for my daily readings. I know, I know - heinous in light of the fact that I've been telling my tarot students to use their RWS-clone decks for readings. Still, when I started going through this major change in my life, this was the deck that called out to me, so it is the deck that I am using.

Today I decided to do a five-card spread regarding my budding relationship with G. I already know he does not want us to get serious - still I am enjoying the ride, and wondered what the cards had to say. Here it is:

Card 1: Birth-Rebirth - I've been pulling this card a lot lately. It serves to remind me that I am on a new path - one that doesn't include Todd any longer. The part that really spoke out to me today was this:

"This marker reminds you that the process leading up to a birth can feel cumbersome, restrictive, painful, and never-ending, yet the final shift brings an extraordinary gift of new life, a new vision born of surrender, and a total release. Know that you've come far and are at a place to celebrate your ideas and all things anew."

I know I definitely feel that. The death of my relationship with Todd has been painful - especially after I discovered how many lies he has told me during the last few months. So many lies, I haven't even been able to confront him about them. And yet, confronting him now will only hamper this new journey. So, I've been working on setting aside all of that, and embracing this new opportunity to feel wanted and valued.

Card 2: The Grail Knight; keywords Romance, Illusion, Seeking the Sacred. This is the first time I've drawn this card from this deck. Almost immediately I knew it's meaning, based on the role it played in the spread. The card represents the present - and also represents G.

The card's message in this place in the spread means both romance and illusion: in a new romance, there is illusion. The illusion of perfection. The card warns against the illusion, and yet adds that this card is an omen of good fortune. In other words, as long as I don't fool myself that this relationship is something it's not, it is a blessing to me.

Card 3: Joy - Again, this is a card that I've pulled several times recently - and almost always when I pull the Birth/Rebirth card. It reminds me that there is joy in moving on - in releasing the old. And as this card was placed in the Future position in the spread, it shows me that as long as I keep moving forward, Joy is mine.

The part of the book meaning that I love and hold on to is this: "Like the spring sun breaking through after a long and gloomy winter, joy reminds us to be grateful for all the gifts of life. Joy bestows the blessings of happiness. You truly have reason to smile when this marker appears on your path."

The last two cards in the spread were to point out anything I needed to be aware of - anything that might get in my way, or anything else that could help. Interestingly enough, I had a warning and a message:

Card 4 - The Wasp; keywords Anger, Retaliation, Jealousy. Yikes. I knew immediately what this card was telling me: that holding on to any jealousy or anger regarding Todd could potentially hamper my joy.

"The Wasp reminds you that pain is a choice..." I have to admit, days without G. or others in my support circle do tend to find me choosing pain rather than joy. I believe I need to be more aware of this tendency, so I can nip it in the bud before it stings me.

Card 5 - The Raven; keywords Magic, Coincidence, Synchronistic Events. I've actually pulled the Raven before, but only once before. I pulled it shortly after my REAL break up with Todd. When I pulled it then, it reminded me that I have magic on my side. And, I don't believe it meant just spells - no, I have my magical group of friends who have helped me through this patiently and lovingly. There has also been the magic of non-magical friends - you know, the call I wasn't expecting that came at just the right time. Or the offer for a free lunch or dinner to get me out of the house. Magic has been all around me since the break up, and I have been humbled by its constant appearance at the most difficult of times.

However, in this spread it serves to remind me more of the synchronicity of life. Even though I've been on dating sites for some time now, it wasn't until I fully let go of Todd that I met someone with whom I "clicked" with. And, it also wasn't until I made the decision to sever my ties with Todd that other things in my life started to fall into place.

I know that, no matter how painful, breaking up with Todd was the right thing to do for me. My path has suddenly opened up, and doors are unlocking before my very eyes. I welcome the Raven, for he affirms I am on the right path.

Just Like Magic

On the second and fourth Tuesday of the month, I "teach" a tarot class. I use the quotes, because I really organize the class more than teach it...still, it's fun and I love the group of women who show up faithfully each week.

Tonight, I'll be teaching a bit on tarot magic. I started the lesson two weeks ago, and tonight will be a follow up. However, in writing up tonight's outline I found that it felt uninspired... I just grabbed information from other sources and it felt sort of flat.

While I was deciding what to assign for homework, I came up with what I would like to think of as a brilliant idea. Instead of having the women just set up a spell at home using instructions outlined in a book, I am going to have them craft their own spell, then instruct us how to do it at the next class.

I'm so excited! I almost can't wait until the next class to see what everyone comes up with.

Joseph Ernest Martin

Joseph Ernest Martin is the designer of The Quest Tarot. If you've not seen the deck, it's beautifully illustrated and images can be found at tarotgarden.com. And for those familiar with the deck, you'll know it can be quite comprehensive as it also ties in numerology and crystals in with regular tarot images for an in depth reading.

Every so often, Joseph Ernest Martin comes through town to be part of the Reno Psychic Fair. This weekend, there was a mini-fair, and I was surprised to see him listed as one of maybe 7 readers available. I told a friend about him, and we decided to go see him.

Right now, there isn't anything extremely pressing in my life that I felt I needed to know about. I thought about what I would want to know, and decided to ask for a general reading; to check in with where I'm at on my path, what's next, etc.

When we got to the fair, my friend knew right away that Joseph Ernest Martin was the one she wanted a reading from. To be fair, we walked around just in case another reader jumped out at us...but none did. Nope...it was JEM for us.

We signed up, she first, me second. The first reading available was forty-five minutes away, so we looked around and talked. She pointed out a scam reader that was there: Renee. I have never received good vibes from her when I 've walked past, so never sat down with her. However, I had another friend taken in by her, and let Gloria know she wasn't the first, but thank goodness she didn't allow herself to be scammed (Renee seems to have some real skill, but then she always ruins it by saying crap like "you have a curse on you; for $65 dollars more I can remove it!").

It was finally time for our readings. My friend went first, and I walked away to give her some privacy. The few times I glanced over, she seemed happy. Then it was my turn.

When asked, I told JEM I just wanted to know how I was doing...what was next on my path. My reading, while not bad, was not really good, either. The basics: I need to reign it in where money is concerned. This is something I knew already, as I am making less now than I was at my previous place of employment. However, I didn't tell him this, but the cards definitely showed it.

He stressed that it was very important for me not to be extravagant in the next few months. He said I needed to make wise choices and try really hard not to buy things I don't need. He also stated that my money situation would not change next year (something else I knew and didn't tell him), but that things would be somewhat better next year.

He said now was a time to have "me" time. He said the recent past showed that I had been busy reaching a goal (and I was; I put every ounce of energy I had into finding another job). Now that the goal has been met, the rest of 2008 should be focused on rest and recuperation. He instructed me to take classes, read books, spend time with myself. He cautioned that it was not the time to pursue new things or to pile on any more activity. It was simply time to enjoy myself and to rest up from the activity that preceeded reaching my goal.

He then stated that 2009 would be a time of more activity. He said that I should be sure to get back into working out in 2009. He said it wouldn't hurt to do it now, but that I really needed to focus on that come the new year. He stated that my job seemed secure for now, however I needed to be sure the people at work were confident in my abilities. He gave me some tips on how to accomplish that.

I had more time left, so he asked if there was anything else I wanted to know about. I told him that I wasn't concerned about romance, but was curious what was on the horizon. He said there was definitely new love on the horizon, however I would have to work for it. He said that I needed to express love and interest...and not just expect that love would just happen (not that I expect it to happen that way, anyway!). He said it was there...but it was only there if I reached for it and took a more active role in meeting people.

Once again, I believe Joseph Ernest Martin hit it out of the ballpark. This is my second reading with him, and I know he was right on. I just wished the reading was more positive...it looks like the coming year will still be difficult for me, just in different ways than the last.

When oh when are things going to turn around for me? I probably should have asked...