Crystal Vision

Sunday night, I couldn't sleep. Nothing I did worked to relax me, so I thought I'd try visualization.

Now, I'm not particularly adept at visualization. However, I've had success with it enough times to give it the old college try.

I remembered that I had a pyramid-shaped crystal that I bought at the Holistic Expo in San Jose. It is made with four different crystals, all melded together to form a pyramid. I cleansed the crystal, and then went back to bed.

I laid down, and placed the crystal on my third eye. I tried my best to relax and visualize peace. Soon, all sorts of psychedelic patterns were emerging in my head. I'd never experienced anything like that before, and thought perhaps the colors and patterns were supposed to be relaxing, even though at first glance they appeared to be wild and distracting.

At some point, I relaxed, but the patterns were still bubbling about my head. All of a sudden, this inaudible voice came through and sternly said, "Step away from Todd. Lynn is the one who's right for him."

My body jumped. I grabbed the crystal, took it off of my head, and put it on my nightstand. My body shook, and I became very afraid. I never did fall asleep after that... my body just wouldn't cooperate.

My mind raced the rest of the night. Questions poured through it: "Was that voice for real?" "Am I doing the wrong thing by holding on to Todd?" "Is Lynn really the one for him, and I'm standing in the way?"

Then my thoughts flew to the crystal itself. I'd never attempted putting a crystal on my third eye before. I've read about it, but never had occasion to really do it. And while I was drawn to the crystal at the fair, I have to admit that Sunday evening when I held it, it didn't seem to resonate with me in the same way it did at the fair. It didn't appear to have neutral energy, but it didn't appear to have positive energy, either, even though I had cleansed it.

I didn't want to admit this to anyone (or here) before today... but I think the whole experience with the crystal compounded my feelings that the relationship was doomed. That's why I had no hope that we would work things out. However, our talk on Monday did give me hope.

Now it's Wednesday - the day of our counseling appointment (the counselor rescheduled it due to a conflict). I slept fine, but woke up with extreme anxiety. All of a sudden I'm filled with fear again. I can't tell if the voice was from a good source or a bad source - or if it existed at all. Was it my fear talking to me instead?

I don't know... I'm a novice when it comes to magical workings. But I do know this: I am afraid that the voice might have been true, and that scares me more than I even care to admit.

Carrie

After writing about my psychic fair experience, I remembered how that weekend one thought kept running through my mind: "I should've just gotten a reading from Carrie at Pathways."

Strangely, I had reason to be near Pathways on Tuesday. As I drove by the shopping center on my way to the gym, I felt a gentle, almost imperceptible, nudge... "Go into Pathways."

Against my will (which felt I needed to burn calories more than I needed yet another book or set of tarot cards), I went. When I was inside the store, I saw that the daily reader was Carrie.

Hmmmm....

She was giving a reading when I walked in, so I immediately headed for the tarot card section and began to browse. At some point, one of the sales people came over and asked if she could help me find anything in particular. I said no... and then said "But I notice that Carrie is the reader today. Are there any openings?"

The woman was pretty sure there was, as someone had cancelled. So, she looked over at the book and said "Yes, in fact, she has an opening now."

She called Carrie over, and Carrie immediately recognized me. She even remembered that I am a Scorpio. She ushered me into her little alcove, and asked me if I had a specific question.

I told her that really all I wanted to know was what was going on with me. I told her about the break-in and the relationship break. Then I added that not everything had been bad; that I had gotten a raise at work and more responsibility.

Right away she said that the Spirit was telling her that the break-in was over; that the place was now safer to approach. She gave me some advice (which was very similar to what Random had told me), and then started the reading.

The reading also confirmed much of what she told me about the cottage. That the break-in was awful, but looked like it was all in the past. That some protective measures needed to be taken on my part, but that the Spirit assured me that I didn't have to unload the place in order to feel safe.

As for Todd, he showed up in the reading several times. She said that he is very torn; that he is desperately afraid of losing me, but that he is also unsure about whether or not I'm the right person for him. (I knew that, but it is interesting that the cards confirmed it.)

She said that the cards showed him to be rather selfish when it came to our relationship... Again, that he didn't want to really give me up, but that he didn't want to give up his rights to date others, either. Oh, and that he didn't really want me to get involved with anyone else, either, while he figures this out.

She added that she got a message from the Spirit right then to tell me that I should not be afraid to end things if I felt I needed to. She said that there would always be someone else for me, and the Spirit wanted me to be aware of that. She said that I would have no problem finding someone else if that's what I wanted.

More cards seemed to indicate that I would have to be the one to be firm. In other words, that I would probably have to make the end decision, whatever that turns out to be. Leave him. Stay with him. She stated that the Spirit wanted me to know that I should be aware that I have the strength to make the decision when the time comes.

There were some other things, too, regarding my job (it will get better) and money (somehow I have some coming to me... tax return, maybe? I haven't filed yet.) But, the two main things I was to take away from the reading was that Todd might not ever really get his crap together when it comes to me. He wants me, but he doesn't. He doesn't want anyone else to have me while he makes he decision (that was the "selfish" and "self-centered" part of the reading). The cards also indicated that now is not the time to get rid of the cottage... and I take it that is because I'll need some place to live after Todd dumps me (I say that sarcastically; it sounds like if there is any dumping to be done, it'll be done by me).

It was strange... this was the third reading I've had from Carrie, and it was the first time I was actually nervous when I sat down. My hands trembled a bit when I shuffled the cards... I don't know what I thought she might see in the reading, but I think I was a little scared at what she might see.

After the reading, though, I felt a bit of peace. More so about the cottage than the relationship.

The relationship hasn't really been peaceful for some time, and I don't expect a reading would affect that. However, the one thing it did do for me is to assure me that no matter what happens, I will be okay.

Three of Cauldrons

This morning as I was getting ready to leave the hotel room, my (new) Witchy Tarot deck called out to me. I didn't have time to play with it there, so I tucked it into my purse and headed out the door.

When I got into work, it was very quiet, so I shuffled the deck and asked it what was going on with me today. Since hunky has been on my mind, it wasn't surprising that I pulled the Three of Cauldrons (cups).

Cups is the emotions suit, and in many decks the three of cups portrays three women. However, in the Witchy Tarot, it shows a skateboarding dude and an inline skating girl. The dude is sitting on a wall, and the girl is in his lap. She looks like she is about to feed him something from the cauldron, but instead they are huddled together, as if sharing a secret.

I think it's interesting that I used this deck today instead of Tarot of White Cats. In this particular deck, this card obviously speaks to my romantic relationship, whereas the same card out of the White Cats deck would not.

Just yesterday, Todd and I had a very interesting chat at lunchtime. At some point, he said that it didn't seem like I was very broken up about our separation, and that worried him a bit. Not that he wants me to be sad, but that it didn't appear as if I missed him or was affected by his absence, which could signal a lack of desire on my part to work things out.

I told him that while of course I am affected by our separation, I think I've just come to the "fuck it" part of it. We've been together for 8 years, most of which I've felt I've never been completely what he wants. The first separation tore me apart. I became depressed and needed counseling... a first in my life for both. This time, though, I think I'm just too weary of the situation... now it's just "fuck it, give him time to figure it out. I'll live either way."

My comment hurt him a little, and I feel bad about that. And it's not that I don't want him... I do. But I am not going to change to accomodate him any further than I have already.

So, how does this rant relate to the card? Just that the card shows us talking, sharing secrets. And since I've moved into the hotel, it seems that everytime we get together, we're doing that: talking. Sharing. No fuss. No drama. Just plain talk.

I think this card is showing me that we will continue to talk. And really, that's all I need to know for now.

I'm A Winner, Baby!

I can't believe my good fortune. Last night, I won the auction for a lot of tarot cards, which contains Whimsical Tarot Cards, Inner Child Cards, and Tarot of the Gnomes. I was nervous about this auction, because there was no way I would be able to get computer access the hour before the auction was to end... I was sure someone would outbid me.

I was (thankfully) wrong!

I've wanted the Whimsical Tarot for about a year now, and FINALLY got it... along with some pretty cool cards. It can't get here fast enough!

Psychic Fair

Two weeks ago, I attended our local bi-annual psychic fair.

It was a huge disappointment.

Normally, I walk around the floor a few times, and pick up vibes from the readers. I am usually able to determine which one(s) will be right for me, simply by this walkthrough. This time, however, I didn't pick up any positive vibes from any of the readers.

While I was walking around the floor, one of the guys in my Risting class looked up from his tarot booth and saw me. It was too awkward just to wave and walk by. I felt obligated then to get a reading. For $15 for 15 minutes, he was the cheapest reader there.

I sat down, and he instructed me to shuffle the cards three times while concentrating on my question. I did. He had me cut the cards three times, then pile them back on top of one another. He then dealt the cards out, and proceeded to give me my reading.

It didn't answer my question, which was "What do I do about my cottage?"

Since the reading took WAY less than 15 minutes, he asked me if he had answered my question. I said not really. He asked if I would care to reveal the question, and I did. He then proceeded to associate the cards with my question. I still didn't see much of a connection.

Just when I was about to give up hope on the reading, he actually stopped looking at the cards and just started to give me some magical advice about the cottage. He suggested crystals and a dedication ceremony. He also gave me a few other ideas... all of which I hadn't even thought of.

So, while the reading fell flat (in my opinion), the magical advice he gave me was most welcome.

I walked around some more, hoping to get a good vibe off of someone, but I just didn't. I did, however, find a set of runes that just called out to me at one of the vendor booths. The stones themselves are small, but they are colorful and beautiful and I was drawn to them in an unexplainable way (I really don't do runes), so they are now mine to play with.

The next day, I met my friend Julie there, and we went in together. Apparently, she has the same method as I do... walk around, and "feel" the vibes. She was drawn to a woman who gave me the heebie jeebies. While Julie sat for her 45-minute reading, I again wandered around the hall in hopes of catching some positive vibes that I didn't the day before.

I saw a woman with a sign that read Out Of The Broom Closet. She did tarot readings. I wasn't drawn to her, but as I passed her booth, I saw that next to her tarot deck she had a set of Virtue's Healing With The Angels cards. She caught my eye as I looked at her cards, and spoke to me.

Damn.

I hate it when they talk to me, because then I feel obligated to stop. And I did.

I asked her if she did two different types of readings, or if she incorporated the Healing With The Angels cards into her tarot readings. She explained that she did a regular tarot reading, then after it was done, used the Healing With The Angels cards to give more insight/healing. She was cheaper than most ($20 for a 15-minute reading), so obligated me sat down for a reading.

The card reading again left me feeling as if something was missing. She did pick up on some things, though: She said that I was comfortable in a routine, and as of late my routine had been interrupted. She said that it was important to seize that back, especially with regards to exercise. She said that someone - probably my partner - was making demands on me, but that I needed to ignore them and take the time out to exercise. I found that particularly interesting, since I had just been talking to hunky about it that week. I said that I really needed him to give me the space I need to exercise regularly, because the lack of doing so was really eating at me.

She also picked up on the fact that hunky is younger than me, and that we were having some communication problems. However, other parts of the reading fell flat or felt off-base. However, one thing she kept mentioning (that hunky wasn't feeling committed to me) felt totally wrong, but when I brought it up to hunky later, he said in some ways that was true. (Which eventually lead to more discussions about the state of our relationship, blah, blah, blah...)

When she came to the end of the reading, she had me shuffle the Healing With The Angels deck and pick three cards. This is where the reading got quite corny for me: she actually opened up the book and read the meanings out loud to me. Now... I've got that same deck at home and could've done the same thing.

I felt cheated!

In some ways, the cards did balance out the reading, but in others, they did not. Again... some of this could stem from the fact that I think I really felt at the time that things were a lot better between hunky and I than they actually were.

When my reading concluded, Julie was still at her reading. I walked around some more, feeling a bit let down and praying that someone would just send out the vibe that they were the reader for me. As I passed Miss Terry's booth (she's a local psychic that is often on the radio), I felt drawn to her. Finally! She was reading for someone else, so I perused her booth to see if she had her prices listed.

She didn't.

That's normally a clear sign that she's an expensive reader. And she probably is, as she's been on the radio a lot here.

Still, I wanted to at least ask... at this point, I was willing to hand over some major sheckles to get a good reading. But I never got an opportunity to ask...she was constantly busy, and wasn't free before we left.

The woman that I bought the runes from the day before was giving readings for a donation. I thought I'd check her out, and saw the most BEAUTIFUL cards on her table as I passed by. They were the Russian Fortune Teller Cards, most unusual.

I felt connected to this woman...not in the way that she would give me a good reading, but in a spiritual sense. I just felt that she was someone who could be a friend. So, I sat down and she read for me. Now, she also used the book, but she wasn't charging $20 to do it!

She explained that she had been using this particular set of cards for years and years and that she had the meanings down pat, however in reading for others she liked to use the book to see if anything really jumped out at her. And a few times it did. As she read the meanings for some of the matches that came up in the cards, she would say "It could mean this, but intuitively I feel that this other meaning is the one that applies to you." And sure enough, she was pretty much always right. (I say pretty much, because there was one card that just didn't resonate with me, but then again... I think it was more denial on my part than a problem with the cards.)

Even though I didn't really find any readers that vibed with me, I must say I enjoyed the amount of vendors at the fair. Usually the readers WAY outnumber the vendors, but this time around, it almost seemed like there were more vendors than readers (which might have been some of the problem!). I saw a bunch of stuff I wanted... but I basically just bought the runes and then some candles on sale.

Hopefully the October psychic fair will be better. I'm counting the months...